In all my angst and anger over the recent cold weather, I decided to take it to a higher authority. That's right, I've written Mother Nature about my concerns regarding the arctic ass cold weather we've had in the past week.

Dear Mother Nature,

I'm writing because I have some concerns over the cold weather we've had up here in Boston recently. I'm sure you'e recently been inundated with requests to (and I quote some people I've heard here) "Cut this cold, snowy, sleeting sh*t out, dammit!" and I can understand your worries about reading yet another letter regarding the same thing.

Well, I must say I feel the same. But who really needs to swear, you know? I feel like our culture resorts too much to swearing rather than using the old creative non-offensive words to express the murderous rage they're pushing deep down inside. Whatever happened to phrases like, "Gosh darn, this weather sure is chafing my snuggly buns!" or "Boy howdee, instead of making me want to ski gaily down the lovely white slopes, this weather is making me long for a big pretty club to take care of all the seals that have been gathering! Teehee!"

Mother Nature, I am writing to ask you to stop this cold weather. Sometimes I hate when you tease us New Englanders. A few weeks back we had a whole week of sunny and warm weather (it hit 55 degrees!) that made me want to skip through a field and enjoy the daisies and bunnies rather than snap their necks. You see, I think warm weather makes people happy, especially after such a horrible winter where you decided to continually dump loads of snow on us. So, you could really be helping mankind by bringing us some warmer weather.

Just think of all the happy, positive situations you could cause. Instead of a scene where a motorist hits another car because of ice and they both then get out of the cars and bash each over the heads with windshield scrapers and snow shovels, motorists in Boston could go back to hitting each other's car for no other reason than just for being crappy drivers. They would then get out of their cars and hand each other flowers and hug and say, "Wow, you're a horrible driver, you stupid f-ing moron, but look at this great weather we're having! Have a flower!"

So, in conclusion, I understand that I live in New England and weather here isn't as consistent as say, the Red Sox losing excessively each year. But come on, it's April 9th, and you just gave us another four inches of snow yesterday! And so I ask nicely, please send us some of the good stuff.

Puppies and rainbows all around,

your friend, Me