Knock the Wind Out of My Sails

Yesterday was a shitty day. The night before was fine because Amy finally came home and I felt okay again. But then I got to work the next day. First off, I got an email from the folks at WGBH and Frontline saying my reject ass didn't get the job there. I didn't even make it to the interview stage, which is freakin' crazy because I was really qualified for that job. I thought I would have at least made it to the interview stage. So, that's shitty email #1.

The second shitty email was from my dad. He emailed to tell me he has skin cancer and that that day he was to go in and get a spot on his face removed. It happened very quickly, which is why he said he didn't call me about it. He went in yesterday at 2:30 to get the spot removed.

It was a punch in the stomach. Parents are invinceable, or at least to me they're supposed to be. I had dealt with hearing about mine having really high cholesterol and blood pressure, and they were doing things about that. And then I get that email.

So I'm sitting there at work first thing in the morning not knowing what the hell just happened in the two minutes it took me to just read those two emails. Every time I look at my inbox, my eyes well up with tears.

I managed to make it through the day, and then I called home when I get home from work. Dad sounds like he's doing pretty good. He says they'll know within a week whether they got it all. Mom sounds like she's doing okay.

Amy got home and she hadn't heard the news yet. I didn't know how to get a hold of her yet at her new job and she didn't have email access for the whole day either. I let her talk about her new job for a while. I like pretending that nothing had happened, I was watching what life was like before I knew about all this crap. She was talking about work and changing out of her work clothes and I was making dinner.

Then I told her. She knows what cancer is like. She lost her mom to breast cancer five years ago. It makes me sad and glad that she understands. Sad because no one should have to go through what she did with her mom, but glad because she can help me through it.

I told her talking to my mom was just like sitting in a room with my mom and a huge elephant, but not talking about that huge elephant. I mean, mom and I talked about it, but then I changed the subject because it got quiet on the phone. I told her I didn't get that job and we joked around about how I was going to be all mature about it and tell them, "Oh yeah? Well, I didn't want to work for your big dumb organization anyway!"

Amy said that's normal, I mean, what the hell are you going to talk about anyway? There's only so much you can talk about. There's only so much a person can handle and your mind needs a break from thinking about it.

I'm glad I have her. Otherwise I think I would just be sitting there on my living room floor, staring at my stuffed animals while thinking myself crazy.