Letters

If any of you know me, and some of you do, then you are not aware that I receive many emails asking me for advice and answers to tough questions. If you don't know me, then you are not aware of either my receiving these emails or the fact that those people who do know me are not aware of the emails as well. I am familiar with me, so I am aware that I receive these emails -- just as I am also aware that there are people out there who know me but don't know about the emails, and there are people out there who don't know me and don't know about the emails or the people who know me but aren't aware of the emails.

And who cares if you do or do not know me, that first paragraph probably just made your head explode.

In any case, I do try to answer these questions to the best of my ability, and should any questions be out of my range, I do not hesitate to contact the experts for assistance. And by "experts," I mean me.

For example, young Billy from Ontario wrote me with the following query:
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Dear H,
Does love really make the world go 'round?

your friend,
Billy
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Dear Billy,
No.

your friend,
H
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Here's another inquiry from a delightful reader:
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Dear H,
I am in quite a predicament. I recently found out that my son is counterfeiting money in our basement! The feds don't know yet, and I am scared. Should I turn him in myself, or just throw out the fake money and machines and give him a stern lecture?

cash money n hoes?
Rhonda
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Dear Rhonda,
I say turn the little bastard in to the feds. But before you do, hide all the fake money except for a few bills. Let the little guy go to jail. When he and all the feds are gone, take out that huge pile of money and roll around in it. Then sleep on it. I mean really, how many people can say that they sleep on a huge pile of money each night? Well, how many people besides me?

showering with $20s,
H
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Dear H,
What does "subcutaneous" mean? Could you use it in a sentence?

splelchck,
Rick
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Dear Rick,
Well Rick, let's take that word apart and discover its roots together. "Sub" means under, so the word must relate to being underwater in a long tube-like structure. "Cu" is what they say in the movies, so now we're up to a submarine in the movies. "Ta" reminds me of that movie "Nell" where Jodie Foster grows up alone in the woods and just keeps saying "Tay in da weein," so now we're up to a submarine getting its underwater movie cues from a woodland hermit who doesn't speak English well. "Ne" is a part of your body. "Ous" sounds like a nice big group of people.

Let's put it all together now, Rick. "Subcutaneous" obviously relates to a big group of people on a submarine who forget their lines during the movie shoot because Nell just kicked them in the knee for making fun of her manner of speaking. Seems pretty obvious to me.

Now let's use it in a sentence.
"Hey, would you look at that subcutaneous?"

Hope that helps Rick!

tay in da weeein,
H
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How about one more email for the road?
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Dear H,
Are you aware that if you don't stop stalking me, I will take you to court?

leave me alone,
Jane
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Dear Jane,
How delightful! I look forward to the opportunity to meet you in person!

see you tonight,
H
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That's all for this installment. I'll try to post more as I receive them.