More Letters

It's that time again: Time to answer some letters from my readers.
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Dear H,
I've noticed that when I'm on an airplane and it takes off, it goes really fast. I mean, it must be going like Mach 40 or something! But how come all of the passengers don't go flying to the back of the plane because of that intense speed?

Smashed,
Donald

Dear Donald,
You're right, airplanes do go really fast. Reaching back into the knowledge from my time as a super space pilot, I would say airplanes reach speeds up to 40 billion hectacres/second. That's faster than your parent's old Buick, for sure! Haha!

And the reason you and your fellow passengers don't get smashed into the back of the plane from the force of that speed is because of many airplane precautions. Most of these precautions are super-secret (just like the fact that I used to be a super space pilot!), but I managed to get a local pilot really drunk and pull this information out of him.

First, airlines tend to use a lot of duct tape to make sure the seats stay put. And second...well, there isn't a second. That's it. Just rolls and rolls of duct tape. What kind of frickin' super secret is that? That's the last time I waste money on getting a pilot wasted. Hell, I think he was already drunk when we started talking.

Hope that answers your question, Donald!

Love in an air-sickness bag,
H

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Dear H,
I'm worried about my retirement. I'm already 23 years old and haven't saved any money whatsoever! Can you pass along some investment tips?

Too many empty pockets,
Lucy

Dear Lucy,
Yes, I can.

Have a great day!

your friend,
H

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Dear H,
What does "Marzipan" mean? Could you use it in a sentence? Thanks!

your friend,
Zeke

Dear Zeke,
Well, let's break the word down together, shall we? First we have "Mar," which is a planet in our very solar system. A big, red planet that we're not sure had life on it at one point but it does have these cool pyramid structures on it that look like faces, and pictures of those face pyramids were on TV a lot in the early 90s because people thought it meant aliens lived on Mars.

Next, we have "zi." This means the word is obviously French -- French people use that word all the time. I'll give you an example:

"Look aht zi bread, eet ees naht what Ah wahntehd. I wahntehd zi cheese."

So, "zi" is French, and now we have a big, red French planet.

Last is "pan." Reaching back into the knowledge from my time as a super secret film director, I know that means taking a camera and moving it around to look at stuff.

Let's put it all together. Marzipan is a big, red French planet covered in face-shaped pyramids looking around at stuff in our very solar system.
I'll use it in a sentence.

"Hey, would you look at that Marzipan?"

Hope that helps!

your friend,
H
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Dear H,
I get knocked down, but I get up again, and they're never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again, and they're never gonna keep me down. He takes a whiskey drink, he takes a vodka drink, he takes a lager drink, he takes a cider drink. He sings songs that remind him of the good times, he sings songs that remind him of the better times.

Oh danny boy danny boy danny boy,
Ronaldo

Dear Ronaldo,
Wow, sounds like your friend needs to slow down on the alcohol intake! Haha! But it's good to know that despite having a raging alcoholic for a friend, you still have a very positive outlook on your life. If life kicks you in the teeth, you smile right back, even if there's blood and teeth and gross stuff shooting out all over -- and that's just fantastic.

Rock on!
H
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That's all for now. But as always, if you have any questions you need help with, toss me an email!