That Queasy Love Feeling
I have a good friend who is currently courting her first-ever girlfriend. I've tried to offer some good advice to her as they both flirt via email (they're coworkers). The following is some advice I sent her:
-------------------------------
Now you just need to figure out if (the crush) has a steady gal herself. You should just start dropping huge hints around her, like one or more of the following sentences:
"Wow, I went to Provincetown this weekend -- there sure are a lot of HOMOS out there!!"
"Isn't Ellen DeGeneres great?"
"Last night I watched the movie 'If These Walls Could Talk 2' like 15 times....I love lesbians and all that they stand for."
"Oops, my clothes fell off!"
"Hey, anyone else need a make-out buddy for the weekend?"
"I went to Wellesley, so really I'm open to and ready for anything you can throw at me -- or spank me with."
"Anyone up for earning a toaster oven?"
"Hi, you're invited to a naked party at my house. Oh, and you're the only other person, besides me, who will be there."
I think if you toss a few of those into your conversations with and around her, you'll be able to find out if she's into you.
And if you can't get this gal to notice you with those wicked good pick-up lines -- or if she tries to get away from you as soon as you start chatting with her -- then you must have some other plan of attack.
I say set up a trap. From what I've heard, lesbians are drawn to certain things. Here's a list I came up with:
1- forest green SUVs or Subaru Outbacks
2- cats
3- something I've heard referred to as "nature"
4- granola
5- unshaven legs
6- human rights
7- the Indigo Girls
8- softball
9- drumming circles
10- Mother Earth (whatever the fuck that is!)
So, to setup this trap, put one or more of the previous listed items in the middle of the hallway. Try mixing thing that are related, like SUVs and "nature" or a drumming circle and Mother Earth. Anywho, put those in an open place in the hallway. Above said "lesbian-loved things," put a net or a cage. Whenever your prey starts sniffing or rooting around the softball or the unshaven legs or whatever, pull the cord and down comes the cage/net. Now you've captured her! Then you can do whatever you want. Oh, and you might want to attach a leash to her, I've heard lesbians are fast.
end email
---------------------------------
I don't know if my friend used any of those tactics to nab the crush, but today this friend of mine got a very encouraging email from the crush. It looks like they'll be going out on a pseudo-date soon, and the crush's email to her noticed little things about my friend -- like my friend's new work chair. My friend was so excited about this positive email, that she forwarded it to me. It's wonderful, I would say things are moving along well with them. So I sent back the following email to her:
---------------------------
Oh yeah, it's on now!
(Friend), I'll bet it's taking you forever to reply because you'll type something, then you'll think it sounds dumb, so you retype it. Then it sounds like you're too interested in her, so you retype it. Then it sounds like you don't care, so you retype it. Then it sounds like you're way too cheerful, so you retype it. And by then you've rewritten it so many damn times that you just type something and send it.
Two seconds later, you freak out because you just sent her an email that you didn't proof-read and WHAT IF YOU SPELLED SOMETHING WRONG?!?!?! What if your use of the silly phrase "haha!" in that one line sounds really hokey to her? What if she decides to not go yarn-shopping with you because you did look too gleeful about a friggin' chair, and your mere mention of "Yeah, thanks for noticing me being all happy in my new chair" sounds to her like you'd rather date the new chair than hang out with her and her cats? HOLY SHIT!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?!?!
....Or maybe that was just my experience when I used to email Amy and try to get her to go out with me....
end email
----------------------------
It's true, though, right? I think we've all gone through that phase of being anal about each thing we say to our love interests or what stupid little things mean (Shit! She's wearing a gray sweater today! It means she hates me!).
That phase of relationships was fun, but I'm happy with being way past that now. Now Amy and I can belch in front of each other and joke about farts and write emails wrought with typos to each other without freaking out and having to breathe into a bag.
That's right, the magic is still there between the two of us!
I have a good friend who is currently courting her first-ever girlfriend. I've tried to offer some good advice to her as they both flirt via email (they're coworkers). The following is some advice I sent her:
-------------------------------
Now you just need to figure out if (the crush) has a steady gal herself. You should just start dropping huge hints around her, like one or more of the following sentences:
"Wow, I went to Provincetown this weekend -- there sure are a lot of HOMOS out there!!"
"Isn't Ellen DeGeneres great?"
"Last night I watched the movie 'If These Walls Could Talk 2' like 15 times....I love lesbians and all that they stand for."
"Oops, my clothes fell off!"
"Hey, anyone else need a make-out buddy for the weekend?"
"I went to Wellesley, so really I'm open to and ready for anything you can throw at me -- or spank me with."
"Anyone up for earning a toaster oven?"
"Hi, you're invited to a naked party at my house. Oh, and you're the only other person, besides me, who will be there."
I think if you toss a few of those into your conversations with and around her, you'll be able to find out if she's into you.
And if you can't get this gal to notice you with those wicked good pick-up lines -- or if she tries to get away from you as soon as you start chatting with her -- then you must have some other plan of attack.
I say set up a trap. From what I've heard, lesbians are drawn to certain things. Here's a list I came up with:
1- forest green SUVs or Subaru Outbacks
2- cats
3- something I've heard referred to as "nature"
4- granola
5- unshaven legs
6- human rights
7- the Indigo Girls
8- softball
9- drumming circles
10- Mother Earth (whatever the fuck that is!)
So, to setup this trap, put one or more of the previous listed items in the middle of the hallway. Try mixing thing that are related, like SUVs and "nature" or a drumming circle and Mother Earth. Anywho, put those in an open place in the hallway. Above said "lesbian-loved things," put a net or a cage. Whenever your prey starts sniffing or rooting around the softball or the unshaven legs or whatever, pull the cord and down comes the cage/net. Now you've captured her! Then you can do whatever you want. Oh, and you might want to attach a leash to her, I've heard lesbians are fast.
end email
---------------------------------
I don't know if my friend used any of those tactics to nab the crush, but today this friend of mine got a very encouraging email from the crush. It looks like they'll be going out on a pseudo-date soon, and the crush's email to her noticed little things about my friend -- like my friend's new work chair. My friend was so excited about this positive email, that she forwarded it to me. It's wonderful, I would say things are moving along well with them. So I sent back the following email to her:
---------------------------
Oh yeah, it's on now!
(Friend), I'll bet it's taking you forever to reply because you'll type something, then you'll think it sounds dumb, so you retype it. Then it sounds like you're too interested in her, so you retype it. Then it sounds like you don't care, so you retype it. Then it sounds like you're way too cheerful, so you retype it. And by then you've rewritten it so many damn times that you just type something and send it.
Two seconds later, you freak out because you just sent her an email that you didn't proof-read and WHAT IF YOU SPELLED SOMETHING WRONG?!?!?! What if your use of the silly phrase "haha!" in that one line sounds really hokey to her? What if she decides to not go yarn-shopping with you because you did look too gleeful about a friggin' chair, and your mere mention of "Yeah, thanks for noticing me being all happy in my new chair" sounds to her like you'd rather date the new chair than hang out with her and her cats? HOLY SHIT!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?!?!
....Or maybe that was just my experience when I used to email Amy and try to get her to go out with me....
end email
----------------------------
It's true, though, right? I think we've all gone through that phase of being anal about each thing we say to our love interests or what stupid little things mean (Shit! She's wearing a gray sweater today! It means she hates me!).
That phase of relationships was fun, but I'm happy with being way past that now. Now Amy and I can belch in front of each other and joke about farts and write emails wrought with typos to each other without freaking out and having to breathe into a bag.
That's right, the magic is still there between the two of us!
posted by H at
1:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home