Bow down!

I always learn something new when I visit my friend Anneliese's house. I've learned new games, I've learned what a salad spinner is and how to use it, I've learned that Poland Spring may in fact really be "What It Means to Be From Maine," and I've learned that Marmite (sp?) is actually nastier than Veggiemite -- if you can believe that.

But last night I entered a special secret society -- a society that knows one of the most well-kept and heralded home-care secrets in all the world.

That's right, I learned how to.....

FOLD A FITTED SHEET!

YES!

You know what I'm talking about! You all know the horrors of having to fold one of those damn sheets with the elastic around the edges. And by "fold" I mean "crumple up into a big ball after trying 15 times to fold the stupid piece of crap."

There I was last night, sitting calmly on Anneliese's couch, when she casually mentioned that she worked in a bed & breakfast for a few summers. I thought, That's neat.

Then, she said she was proud of mastering two important skills while working there. The first was that she knew how to get a bat out of a room, and second was that she knew how to properly fold a fitted sheet.

I smiled with interest at the first skill she spoke of -- but then, when she mentioned the sheets -- I thought, F*CK THE BATS! TELL ME OF THE SHEETS! TELL ME NOW!

All of us in the room grew silent. Our awe in front of a true sheet master was clearly visible, so she continued.

"Right, so to get a bat out of a room you just..." she started.

"F*CK THE BATS!" We all shouted. "TELL US OF THE SHEETS! THE SHEETS!"

Anneliese smiled wisely and knowingly. Then she quickly vanished upstairs to grab one of the toilsome and anger-inducing sheets. The room buzzed with anticipation.

She reappeared within seconds, and the room grew silent again. The lights even grew dim in expectation of the secret that was about to be revealed.

Anneliese moved through the explanation slowly, folding the elastic-edged demon with such skill and poise. Our mouths gaped and all that came forth were gasps of shock at such a revelation.

When she was done, it was as if there were nothing else in the room but a beautifully-folded fitted sheet sitting calmly on the floor in front of us. Anneliese stood over her masterpiece like a hunter over a big dead shot-up woodland creature. We bowed before her, the one true master of the sheets.

I would reveal the secret of the folded sheet to all of you out there, but I'm not sure what the Secret Fitted Sheet Folding Society would do to me. I fear harsh repercussions that could include things like making sure I only own fitted sheets for the rest of my life or adding elastic to everything I must fold in my life.

And with that I leave you. Just know that it is possible. Someday soon, maybe you too will have the ancient secret revealed to you.