Questionnaire

I love getting those emails where everyone answers questions about themselves and then forwards them on. My good pal Katy made her own more creative and challenging version. Here's how my answers go. Feel free to add your responses in the comments section.

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1. Who plays you in the film version of your life?
Ellen Degeneres, not because she's the one famous hollywood homo, but because I think she and I have similar personalities.

2. What is your favorite word?
cankle

3. Which part of the human form do you find most terrifying?
Any disease that makes the body attack itself, so I guess the fact that the body can attack itself.

4. What is the best board game ever?
Battleship, although maybe that's not a boardgame.

5. Are you more influenced by legal or ethical considerations?
Law really intrigues me, but I think it comes down to ethics for me.

6. A two-part question: If you could ensure that one actor never made a movie again, who would it be? Same question for musician whom you could remove from production.
Actor: Juliette Lewis
Musician: Michael Bolton

7. Would you rather play Twister with Jerry Falwell or Trivial Pursuit with the Teletubbies, no translator included?
Man, I think adding the teletubbies to my twister game with Jerry would be the best of both worlds.

8. In three sentences, give me a narrative linking "tempeh bacon" and "a slashed portrait."

After consuming her usual vegan dinner of oddities, Jennifer started feeling a little funny. The tempeh bacon and tofurkey in her stomach were fighting, and her recent vision of a giant praying mantis speaking to her in Yiddish made her aware of the soy-induced hallucinations. She blacked out ten minutes later, awaking the next morning to a trashed apartment and a slashed portrait of the praying mantis in bed next to her.

9. Do you ever suspect that Ronald McDonald (either the mythical being or the clown-suited army of unemployed actors protraying him) could be an agent of the devil?
Not really, although I do view him as some type of evil. Maybe it's the clown thing. I don't fear clowns, I just don't like them very much.

10. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, I do. I know that if I said 'no' to this question, then one would start haunting my apartment and scare the be-jesus out of me.

11. Would you time travel if you could? If so, where ("when?") would you go?
No. But if forced, I think I'd visit my parents and grandparents when they were younger, see what life was like for them.

12. Would you rather spend two weeks working on an archeological dig in the desert or participating actively in affairs of state with the British royal family?
Give me the dig.

13. How do you feel about fried ice cream?
I think it's dumb, and the restaurant Chi-Chi's has ruined it forever because every time I think of Fried Ice Cream, I think of that stupid "Fri-yi-yi-yi, iiiiiiiice cream" commercial song. Annoying. Oh, and it's gross. Why must we fry everything?

14. If you found yourself in hell, who would be the first three people you saw?
Rev. Fred Phelps, Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler

15. Sort of in the same vein, list three activities that are sure to take place in heaven.
-really fun pickup sports games, like softball, tag football, and basketball
-big family meals with lots of good conversation and food
-watching humans down and earth for entertainment

16. What's one rule that you really should start to follow?
Look at everyone as someone's son or daughter.

17. What are your three main weaknesses?
-I get a big head about certain things
-I worry, even though I know things will be okay
-I criticize the people I love

18. What's one skill you wish you had but are too lazy ever to learn it?
I'd like to know basic wilderness survival skills

19. What's the first thing you'd horde in the event of mass panic?
bottles of clean water

20. Continuing the theme, if there were looting involved in said panic, would you partake in it?
probably not

21. Are you currently addicted to any songs/albums? If so, which?
I'm stuck on both my Coldplay albums right now.

22. What's the dumbest thing anyone's ever said to you (or that you've overheard)?
I had a antigay preacher tell me once that if we start letting gays get married, then people would be allowed to start marrying dogs and cats and other animals. I also once heard a hockey commentator say the following when asked how the one team could improve in the next period, "What this team needs to do is put the puck in the net."

23. What's the best birthday present you've ever received?
Either tickets to an Orioles ballgame, or my George Foreman grill

24. Favorite time-waster
day-dreaming, web-surfing, reading (if you consider that wasting time)

25. What are you doing right now in your alternate universe?
Sitting on a quiet, white sand beach on some island in the Caribbean, sipping a margarita, surrounded by close friends who are all on vacation with me and the wife.