Sales Call Wars

I'm like a lot of people in that when a telemarketer calls me, I will mess with them. It's never mean, just fun. Oh, wait, there was that one time in college when a telemarketer called and I had my roommate yell, "ARE YOU ON THE PHONE AGAIN, BITCH?!" in the background and then I quickly said I had to get off the call. That was probably kind of mean (and also originally from an SNL skit, very funny).

Oh, and then there was that time when I messed with another credit card telemarketer in college by asking if I could buy drugs with their company's credit card. She said, without missing a beat, "Oh yes, our card is accepted at pharmacies all over the country." To which I responded, "No, I mean illegal drugs. Can I buy crack with this credit card?" She started stumbling over her words and promptly ended the phone call. For a moment I was worried she'd call the fuzz on me, but then I figured she probably just chalked it up to my being an ass and messing with her. Whatever, it was fun and more for the enjoyment of my roommates who were listening to me in the background.

Anyway, we don't get many sales calls at home down here, but we get them ALL the time at my office. I've now gotten my entire office to mess with these people. Today's was the best yet.

It was one of those recorded calls that is silent for a moment when you first pick up. Then, a very friendly and recorded "Jeff" said, "Hi, this is Jeff, I'm calling to tell you that your cable rates are TOO HIGH!"

I immediately pressed "0" so that I could confirm this with an operator. My cable rates are TOO HIGH? I had to know more.

A woman picked up. "Can I tell you more about our great promotional satellite offer?"

I replied quickly. "Are you telling me that my cable rates are TOO HIGH?"

"Oh, ma'am, that's just a promotional offer, please--"

"How do you know my cable rates are TOO HIGH?"

"That's just an offer, we don't--" She was getting more alarmed at this point, so I heightened my paranoia.

"Have you been reading my mail?"

"No, ma'am, of course not -- "

"Is this a government agency? I don't like the government meddling in my business! STOP READING MY MAIL!"

At that point she cut me off to say, "Thanks ma'am, you have a nice night." Then she hung up.

I'd like to give her props for not freaking out at the paranoid dork who was convinced she worked for the government. That's good customer service right there. And plus, now she has another story to share with the folks around the water cooler about the crazy who thought the satellite company was reading her mail.

That's mostly why I mess with telemarketers. They probably know from the beginning that I'm not going to buy whatever they're offering, so why not give them a good story to share with their coworkers?

I also once played the role of a telemarketer when I called my parents' home on April Fool's Day this year. I pretended to be from the local newspaper and was interested in asking them more questions about their neighborhood having formed a coalition against the local airport's effort to expand into their neighborhood. Yes, my parents are neighborhood activists.

Knowing that my parents can't stand the guy who heads up the airport, I decided to use that against them to see how angry I could get them. My mom answered, I started the ploy, and said, "Are you aware that the head of the airport can't stand your organization?"

My mom also didn't miss a beat, saying the guy doesn't care about the community at all and is more interested in money. So I decided to push her further.

"I spoke with the head of the airport earlier today, and he said he can't stand your husband -- Earl, right? -- who heads up the coalition. According to the head of the airport, he thinks your husband is a jerk. What's your response to that?"

My mom was noticeably perplexed. She paused, and then said, "Wow, he said that? That's really unprofessional. Why would he say something like that? I think he's the jerk here." Or something close to that, she basically started losing her cool a little -- which is understandable considering I just told her that the head of the local airport called her husband a jerk. Hey, you attack my family, the family will fight back.

So I again decided to push more just to see how far I could get my mom to believe that I was still a local reporter. "Ok, um, actually, the head of the airport issued a release saying -- and I quote here -- that 'He can't stand the Moyers or their stupid coalition', and -- wow, can't believe he said this, but he also said he'd rather come over and take a dump on their lawn than ever have to speak to or see them again. What's your response to that?"

Mom was catching on now. "Wait -- what? He said what? What the--? Wait, who is this again? What newspaper are you calling from and what's your name?"

So I broke down and told her, amidst the laughter of my not believing I just used the phrase "take a dump on their lawn" in a conversation with my mom. Mom didn't laugh quite as hard, so I thought she was mad. Angry really, I thought she was angry at first. That is, until she asked me to call back later that night and pull the same gag on my dad.