Stupid terrorists

I have a few words for terrorists, but first, you have to read this:

Abu Hafs Group Says Bush Leads U.S. to 'Hell' -Site

DUBAI (Reuters) - A group claiming links to al Qaeda said the re-election of President Bush would drag America into "hell" and that he would not be able to protect his country from attacks, according to an Internet statement.

The Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades -- whose links to al Qaeda U.S. officials say are unclear -- issued the vague threat of attacks on the United States in a statement dated Nov. 4 and posted on its Web site.

"The coming days will prove that the person you chose will drag you into an unbearable hell and that rallying around this criminal will not bring you the security you seek and won't stop the mujahideen (holy fighters) from reaching you," it said.

The statement was signed by the European division of the group -- which has repeatedly vowed to attack Europe.

It has claimed responsibility for attacks, including bombings in Spain and Turkey, but has not been officially linked to them. It also claimed last year's power cuts in New York that turned out to be caused by a technical failure.

"Although the criminal Bush shed the blood of Muslims in the last four years and despite his massacres in Afghanistan, Palestine and Iraq, we see his stock rising and his people's applause increasing. This proves that Americans support the war against Islam," the latest statement said.

"Re-electing Bush ... will not prevent the mujahideen from attacking strongholds of the biggest infidel," it said. "In the end, the American people will bear the consequences of the policy of their president over the next four years."

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You know what, terrorists? You can just suck it. No no, I don't care if that's not ladylike. Suck it. S-U-C-K I-T. That's it, that's my message to terrorists. I'm not a huge fan of George W. Bush, but please -- terrorists, suck it.

If I could email or fax a picture of my arse to you cave-dwelling (yet surprisingly internet-accessible) losers, I would do it. I'm sure the entire country would. Hell, most of the world would. If we could jam your cave's dial-up (probably AOL) access and phone lines by sending you endless pictures of our butts and/or middle fingers,we would.

No, I'm not done, now I'm going to make fun of you. Let's start with a horrible pun using your name. You guys are really "haf-assed" when it comes to terrorism. Look at this paragraph:

"(This terrorist group) has claimed responsibility for attacks, including bombings in Spain and Turkey, but has not been officially linked to them. It also claimed last year's power cuts in New York that turned out to be caused by a technical failure."

You guys can't even get linked to anything. Is it that hard to be linked to something? Sheesh, leave a damn business card laying around somewhere. Maybe leave one of the least favorite guys in your brigade (every office has a least favorite coworker, you can find one) around a bomb site with a big sign saying 'I did it!'

It's like you're just wandering around the world, looking for crap to put your name on. And the power outages? You tried to take responsibility for the power outages? I'm still laughing. Come on, we all know that was Ohio's fault. What, were you standing behind the guy who didn't flip the right switch yelling, "MESS UP! MESS UP!" during a particularly stressful moment of his work day?

I'm not saying I want you guys to be successful, no one wants terrorists to follow through with their plans. Yet come on, your "brigade" is so irrelevant you can't even be linked to anything. Even Al Qaeda can't be tied to you guys. They're probably sitting in their caves shaking their heads at you and muttering, "Those damned bandwagon terrorists!"

Since you're not doing a great job at being terrorists, I'll help you on your way into irrelevance while still maybe helping you get some Americans angry at your "brigade." Try taking responsibility for some of the following, which may be considered "strongholds of the infidel."

-Britney Spears' career
-the Atkins' Diet
-MoveOn.org
-those very popular stupid-looking short-short skirts that resemble lampshades
-Urban Outfitters
-Ashton Kutcher
-the Lifetime channel
-Jared from Subway
-Fox's 'The Swan'

Take responsibility for some of those, and then you'll get noticed. You'll also achieve your goal of terrorizing Americans and having us hate and fear you. I mean, first Ashton Kutcher -- what could be coming next from you guys? Could you be responsible for Ashlee Simpson? Annoying cell phone ring-tones? NO, NO! PLEASE NOT THE FALLOUT BETWEEN JAY-Z AND R.KELLY? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There you go, instant harm, rage, and hatred. So suck it.