Christian Sayings

After the great comment by my favorite brother, I will now try to revamp some of our timeless Christian sayings.

#1 - "When God closes a door, he opens a window -- and then he'll shove you out of it."

You understand, see my previous post.

#2 - "He/She is in a better place now -- either burning in the flaming torrents of Hell, or up hanging with the Big G. Either way, at least s/he's away from your whiney ass, so there's the real proof that God loved him/her. Now, pass the potatoes."

This phrase needed more of an add-on. Why should Christians slack off when telling someone exactly where their loved one may be? Let us Christians be more blunt in our counseling, and in our directions at the family's holiday dinner table.

#3 - "God has someone out there for you. But because you're sitting here complaining to me, that special 'someone' of yours is now hooking up with some loser in a bar. So come on now, Hot Pants, get out there and find her/him."

Nothing says, "You'll find your someone!" better than threatening the person with the knowledge that their special someone is out there hooking up with the wrong people. Also, wearing hot pants 24/7 can never hinder one's pursuit of their soulmate.

#4 - "Sometimes we just don't understand God's ways, and that's because God's hand-writing is really bad."

It's funny because it's true, folks. Why do you think God either speaks directly to or sends messengers to the people he wants to talk with or give tasks to? It's because he got tired of people giving up on his illegible notes. I can prove it. My crack team of religious archaeologists stumbled upon this previously un-released story about God and Noah:

**Noah woke up one morning to find a package on his front porch. Hoping it was the new issue of 'Really Old People' magazine, he ripped the package open. Inside, he found a letter that looked to be written by a child. All he could make out were the words 'important,' 'cubit,' and 'now.' Thinking it was just a wrongly addressed letter, he threw it away.

Weeks later when Noah wandered into the local library, he ran into God in the home improvement section. God greeted Noah and joked with him, 'Hey, sure hope you brought your umbrella! Haha ha!' Noah was confused. God said, 'Wait - did you get the memo I sent?' Noah got nervous and said the only thing he'd received in the past few weeks was the latest copy of 'Really Old People' - which by the way, had a great expose about the wild exploits of some of Adam and Eve's hottest descendants.

God was noticeably perturbed. He tossed a copy of a ship-building manual from "Better Altars & Gardens" to Noah and said, 'My office. NOW.'**

And anyway, that's when God decided to not send notes that often. I understand that he continues to work on his penmanship and sometimes he'll still sends notes (God is not one to give up easily). So, that's why we don't always understand God's ways.

If you have any more Christian sayings that you think are trivial, please let me know and I'll update them as best I can.

Also, if you're tired of reading all these words, here's a link to a website with a fantastic photo of realtors in action.