Of comedy dreams and buggy wonders

Alright, you jerks, you easily saw through my thinly-veiled April Fool's joke. I had to do something, it is one of my favorite holidays, behind only the Fourth of July and National "Talk Like a Pirate" Day.

So, my post was an obvious joke, but Amy's is totally true. She recently removed the engine from my car and stole some horses to staff the now Horse-Drawn Saturn. The process that started off incorrectly, like this, but them promptly moved in the right direction, like this. Boy, was I mad when I saw it!

Anyway, in the spirit of a delightul day full of jokes, puns, and pranks, I thought I'd share two spoof stories I wrote for my disaster responder friends. Enjoy!

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Neighbors reel after hurricanes named for them

Cobalt, Ken. (April 1, 2005) – Jeanne Tristain sat in her home Thursday morning, smoking a cigarette and flipping through old news clippings.

“I am still so embarrassed,” said the 65-year-old mother of four and grandmother of 12. “It took me at least three weeks to leave my house after I hit Florida.”

Tristain is talking about Hurricane Jeanne, a powerful storm that rocked Florida last fall. Despite not at all being related to strong meteorological events in the tropics, she still speaks in the first person about the storm.

“Ugh, just look at what I did to Deltona!” she exclaimed while pointing to a photo from a local newspaper.

Since the hurricane struck Florida, Tristain has been on an extra-hard good deed kick. Already a popular figure in this small eastern Kentucky town of 315, she has been out almost every day since October showering neighbors with brownies, quilts, homemade quiche, and canned fruit.

And oddly enough in such a small town – she’s not alone. Neighbor Frances Robertson knows what Tristain is going through.

“Oh I cannot believe what we did,” said a frowning Robertson, 56, that same Thursday morning. “And the fact that we did it only weeks after the other, I just – I’m still just flabbergasted.”

Robertson was also talking about her husband, Charley.

Charley, a retired 57-year-old mechanic, was in his woodshop that same morning. He felt the same remorse. “What? Oh, yes, I am filled with such guilt,” said Charley, demonstrating his crippling guilt with a dramatic eye-roll. He then returned to busily drilling holes into a newly crafted birdhouse.

“Yes, just what my wife says, I am sad. Exactly whatever she said, I feel like that,” he continued. “Could you hand me that wood glue?”

The Robertsons have united with Tristain to form a support group for those who are also convinced that sharing a name with a hurricane means they did the damage themselves. The group is called the Storm Name Active Recovery Team (SNART).

The three spend their time doing everything they can to redeem themselves in the small town. The townspeople, however, show a general feeling that they describe as being “weirded out” by SNART’s constant attention.

“At first the attention was nice,” noted Cobalt Mayor Buford Grawlings. “But really, those ladies are as sweet as pie – how could anyone ever hold them responsible for some storms with the same name?”

Wanda Hillingsley, member of Cobalt’s First United Methodist Church, has received many pies, crocheted hand-towels, and hand-made doilies from both women. She agrees that SNART’s generosity is now a tad overwhelming, but added that there are positives to it.

“At least we can always find someone to work in the kitchen during our potlucks, bring brownies in for the post-service social time, and serve on every last one of our committees,” she said with a jolly laugh.

She winked and added, “And I know who will be working all week at Vacation Bible School this summer.”

Yet Tristain and the Robertsons remain confounded over the lack of another neighbor’s willingness to join SNART.

“We have been working on Ivan Rogers for months now with no luck,” bemoaned Tristain while sitting in Frances Robertson’s kitchen later that Thursday.

“For some reason we can’t convince him to share our pain and take ownership of just what he did to those poor folks in Florida and Alabama this year.”

Frances agreed. “We’ve got Ivan’s wife Betty working on him, but he won’t budge. Even Charley can’t get to him, even though they’ve been hunting together every weekend since SNART formed. I just don’t know what else to do.”

In the meantime, both women agreed that SNART’s next move will be getting past hurricane name-sharers to join their cause.

“I’ll bet we can get Isabel Torloni on board,” said a thoughtful Tristain. “And I know that Hugo Montoya needs to step up, too. He’s always averting his eyes when I see him.”

Frances spoke up. “He’s been going hunting with Charley and Ivan recently – I’ll get those two to work on him as well.”

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States to swap places for the year

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (April 1, 2005) – In a bold move that has shocked many, Florida and Alaska have agreed to swap places for a year starting June 1, 2005.

“Honestly, it was time for a change,” said Florida during a press conference earlier this week. “We were thrilled to find another state that was willing to trade locales with us.”

A beaming Alaska also spoke at the press conference, praising Florida for its generosity. “We were pumped when we got that phone call,” noted the state, donning sunglasses and Bermuda shorts. “I mean, how many times do you have Florida call you and say, ‘hey, why don’t you try out living in our place for a year?’ It’s awesome.”

The move will be tricky, as both states are taking their entire landmasses with them, but both remain confident that all involved will be happy. Florida pointed to numerous reasons for its temporary move decision.

“Well, um, we’re concerned about the high rate of skin cancer down here and…well, we haven’t seen snow in a long time – maybe never, so why not give all our native Florida kids a chance to see some of the white stuff, you know?” explained Florida.

“Yes, snow and skin cancer. That’s exactly why we want a change of scenery for a bit. That’s it. Exactly.”

“Oh man – you’ll get plenty of the white stuff up there, dude!” Alaska chimed in, after which both states exchanged a series of high-fives and chest bumps.

When asked if possible repeat hurricanes influenced its decision, Florida’s joy turned quickly to a controlled rage and the corresponding inquisitive reporter was swiftly escorted out of the room.

Alaska had a noticeable look of momentary confusion on its face during the brief melee, but the state was then promptly distracted by a bikini-clad supermodel with a Corona.

The press conference ended with the two smiling states posing for pictures as they signed the subleasing agreements. Between now and June 1, both states say they plan on gathering lots of boxes and possibly holding several big yard sales as well.

“I know we’re moving the whole state, but we have a lot of crap down here,” said Florida, pointing to several ugly lamps, a homemade ashtray made in 1972, and Disneyworld.

“It’d be nice to shove some of it off on Georgia or Alabama before we head north. I mean, they’ll buy anything.”