Bah Humbug

You know, normally I think the best of people until they prove otherwise. And then again, some people prove themselves to be complete losers from the beginning. I've never met the people that I am speaking about right now, but I know which category they fall into: The Asshole Category.

When Amy and I returned home from house-hunting Saturday afternoon, we saw a shredded package near the mailboxes of our apartment building. I immediately worried, knowing that it had to be ours and that we once again had fallen victim to the asshole-mail-tamperer contingent. This past summer we'd mysteriously lost two packages off our front stoop.

So when we walked up to the package, my heart sank when I saw Amy's name on it. It was a Christmas gift that her aunt and uncle had sent us - and some asshole had ripped it open and taken who knows what from it.

There are two groups of people to strongly dislike in this situation. One group is obvious - the assholes who did the ripping open. The second group is the U.S. Post Office. You see, when we'd had that rash of package theft this past summer, we told them to never, ever leave something on our porch again. The USPS rep said they'd made the note in our file and that they'd leave a packing slip from then on out. Plus, I just started telling everyone to mail packages to my office rather than my apartment.

But, some USPS dolt didn't get the memo this time, and we're the ones who once again suffered because of it. And what will the USPS do about it? Nothing. They couldn't care less. It's not their fault we live by thieving assholes who tamper with someone's mail whenever a package is left out. I can't imagine what the assholes would do if they could get into our mailboxes (those lock, fortunately).

In any case, we surveyed the damage and it looks like all the thieves got this time was a set of gloves. You see, Amy's aunt and uncle send us matching gifts every year. It's very cute, and this year they'd send us a set of red gloves, hat and scarf and a set of blue gloves, hat and scarf. We thought it was okay to look since someone had already opened the gift for us. And humorously enough, the thieves stole the red pair of gloves.

I've glossed over the fact that a steady stream of obscenities left my mouth when we discovered the opened package. Longshoremen would've blushed. Amy was g-rated pissed.

And here's what R-rated and G-rated anger will do: we've decided to get revenge. These little punks are obviously going to rip into anything that gets left out there that resembles a Christmas gift......so why not leave them a gift of our own? How about a decoy package from us? Oh yes.

Now we just need to decide on the contents. Our first thought was to just weigh a box down with rocks, and then leave a note inside of it for them (Amy wants to write "Suckers!" on it, while I want to write out my steady stream of obscenities and gruesome threats). Then we thought of filling a box with flour and leaving it out with said note. Then I thought of leaving out a box full of "presents" from our cat Tuesday - but that made us worry that the perp would then leave those "presents" all over our front door.

And here's what we're down to now....Chocolates. But not your regular delicious chocolates. We'd get a regular box of chocolates, remove said chocolates, and replace them with the delicious chocolates that our friends at the Ex-Lax corporation provide. Sweet, delicious revenge.

But we're still open to other ideas, so fire away in the comments section. I'm sure we can find some way to get even with the thieving assholes.