I'm sorry
Dear America--
Hi, what's up? Look, I'm going to get serious right off. No small talk.
I'm really sorry. I mean, seriously - I apologize. I had no idea the date August 31, 2002, would have such an impact! Here I thought my marriage to a chick (I'm a chick, too, - eew, gross! I know!) wouldn't be that big a deal to everyone else. Boy, was I wrong.
So, my partner Amy and I would like to apologize.
To all you folks who are straight and married out there, we're sorry. I'm sorry your marriages have been in shambles since then.
Have you felt an overwhelming feeling of threat since that date? Some sort of dark cloud hanging over you? Yeah, that would be us. Dude, we're so sorry. Had I known that we'd start the US on its downfall into the dark pits of hell on that day when I was just enjoying some cake and dancing - phew, let me tell ya, I would've called it all off!
Are you feeling depressed? If you have kids, do they act more heathenistic? Do they sometimes not want to go to church? Oh man, they're listening to gangsta rap, too? Britney Spears is your daughter's idol?! Holy crap!! Totally our fault. Sorry!
Does your husband keep leaving dishes in the sink? Does your wife keep trying to talk to you while you're watching the game? Is your husband not finishing up all those projects he has around the house? Is your wife nagging you non-stop?
Dear sweet Jesus, we are horrible. I'm so sorry. I feel like I should send a fruitbasket or a Hallmark card, or something. Maybe a spiral ham?
Do you have that feeling like the dark lord Satan is hanging out in your living room? Evolution is being taught in the schools?! Your lottery numbers aren't coming up, either?
Well crap. Man, I feel so bad about all of this. Here I've been thinking about the government spying on my phone calls, the failed Iraq policy, White House scandals, horrible US energy policy, our failing public schools, immigration issues and just enjoying my marriage to an amazing woman - and ignoring all the bad things happening to all you fine folks!
Please forgive Amy and me. We are obviously selfish and focusing on all the wrong issues.
Sincerely,
H
Post-Script
Dear America--
Hi, what's up? Look, I'm going to get serious right off. No small talk.
I'm really sorry. I mean, seriously - I apologize. I had no idea the date August 31, 2002, would have such an impact! Here I thought my marriage to a chick (I'm a chick, too, - eew, gross! I know!) wouldn't be that big a deal to everyone else. Boy, was I wrong.
So, my partner Amy and I would like to apologize.
To all you folks who are straight and married out there, we're sorry. I'm sorry your marriages have been in shambles since then.
Have you felt an overwhelming feeling of threat since that date? Some sort of dark cloud hanging over you? Yeah, that would be us. Dude, we're so sorry. Had I known that we'd start the US on its downfall into the dark pits of hell on that day when I was just enjoying some cake and dancing - phew, let me tell ya, I would've called it all off!
Are you feeling depressed? If you have kids, do they act more heathenistic? Do they sometimes not want to go to church? Oh man, they're listening to gangsta rap, too? Britney Spears is your daughter's idol?! Holy crap!! Totally our fault. Sorry!
Does your husband keep leaving dishes in the sink? Does your wife keep trying to talk to you while you're watching the game? Is your husband not finishing up all those projects he has around the house? Is your wife nagging you non-stop?
Dear sweet Jesus, we are horrible. I'm so sorry. I feel like I should send a fruitbasket or a Hallmark card, or something. Maybe a spiral ham?
Do you have that feeling like the dark lord Satan is hanging out in your living room? Evolution is being taught in the schools?! Your lottery numbers aren't coming up, either?
Well crap. Man, I feel so bad about all of this. Here I've been thinking about the government spying on my phone calls, the failed Iraq policy, White House scandals, horrible US energy policy, our failing public schools, immigration issues and just enjoying my marriage to an amazing woman - and ignoring all the bad things happening to all you fine folks!
Please forgive Amy and me. We are obviously selfish and focusing on all the wrong issues.
Sincerely,
H
Post-Script
posted by H at
10:14 AM
3 Comments:
Ok, I'll try to forgive you. But...Amy IS marrying us! What will that mean for our marriage? Will our children be doomed from the start?!?
*sigh*
Saw this bumper sticker today:
BUllSHit
tee hee!
well, since you & Amy got married, housing prices have shot up, making buying a house in DC unaffordable. I blame gay marriage.
I was just thinking this morning, let gay marriage be legalized! Then you can all suffer with in-law problems like the rest of us! Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! (Diabolical laughter!).
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