"Hush! The Naked Bear will hear thee!"
That title is from a spam email subject line I received today. Too good to not share with everyone.
Anywhore, sorry for the blog slacking. I'm not dead, or trapped under a pile of boxes, or running from the law in some foreign country.
We are now officially living in our new home, having moved all our crap last Wednesday. Our floors are done and the painting is all done except for the window frames and baseboards. That's not too hard to do even as we're unpacking.
So the house is full of boxes and unpacking has been progressing slowly. I'm enjoying the new commute and having a porch and most of the home ownership process. There are other parts I hate, but meh - it's our first home. Not everything's gonna be all puppies and rainbows. And if it was, those puppies would be leaking and the sealant around the rainbow would be coming loose and we'd have to figure out how to fix it ourselves.
Since I last updated some fun stuff has happened, too. For example, we have a neighbor that I call "Assface." He earned that name becuase he's very mean and always angry. When we first showed up to our house a few weeks back to start on some renovations, he came right up to Amy in our backyard and starting harping on us about the rat problem in the back alley. Like it was our fault the previous owners of our home were douchebags who kept their lawnmower covered and down by the basement door over top a drain with no grate. Anyway, the rats had decided that was a fun place to make home.
So Assface acted like it was our fault. No "welcome to the neighborhood" or "hey, I'm so-and-so and welcome" - just a "WE'VE GOT RATS AND THEY'RE ALL COMING FROM YOUR HOUSE! RARGGH!"
We brushed him off because we were already planning to clean out the basement door area.
Anyway, he further endeared himself to us several weeks later when we heard him yelling obscenities back and in forth with his wife in their house and in their backyard. Because these are all rowhomes we live in - his backyard is about 20 feet from ours. He's a real nice guy. But the best part happened over father's day weekend.
My parents were in town helping out with some new house stuff. Mom and I left to go run an errand, leaving dad in the backyard with a saw cutting some quarter-round moulding. He hears Assface inside his house yelling obscenities, threatening someone. So dad gets worried that he may be about to hear domestic violence happen. But then Assface comes outside and he's actually threatening someone via his cell phone. The best line was this, though:
"I WILL CUT YOUR M*THERF*CKING HEAD OFF WITH A SAW!!"
Then to make it even better, he goes, "HELLO?!? HELLO?! SONUVABITCH HUNG UP ON ME!" and stormed back into his house.
And so threatening to cut someone's head off with a saw became our family catchphrase for the weekend. When dad forgot to wear his hat out back while slicing drywall, I brought it out to him and told him to put it on. He grumbled and so I said, "DAD, I WILL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A SAW IF YOU DON'T PUT THIS HAT ON!!"
He put it on while laughing hysterically.
And so Assface is the fun, angry and ever-so-creative neighbor that I will avoid like the plague. I've told some friends, though, that I'm tempted to make him some cookies in order to introduce ourselves to him, but to add an Assface touch to them: Offer them to him in a swearword-laden greeting.
"HELLO, DEAR F*CKING NEIGHBOR!! WE F*CKING MADE SOME F*CKING COOKIES FOR YOU, YOU GIANT ASSHOLE! WE'RE SO F*CKING EXCITED TO BE LIVING IN THIS STUPID ASS NEIGHBORHOOD AND WE HOPE TO F*CKING GET TO F*CKING KNOW YOU F*CKING BETTER! RETURN THIS F*CKING TUPPERWARE TO US OR WE'LL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A MOTHERF*CKING SAW!"
Too much? Perhaps. We just want to fit in, though.
Now that I have the swearing out of the way, I want to extend a giant thanks to all those folks who read this blog and also helped us out in the past few weeks with carpet-tearing, painting, etc... I'm looking your way, Dawn, Darren and Amber. I don't think anyone else who helped reads this blog.
Amber gets an extra special prize because she's crazy and loving enough to frickin' (sorry, still have Assface syndrome right now) FLY here from Chicago to help me paint. Seriously. She flew here two weekends ago just because I told her I was on my own that weekend and had to paint the whole place. So Amber is awesome. I already knew that, of course, but this just cemented it even more.
Any other funny stories? A few, yes! During our official move last Wednesday, we had these great moving guys lend a hand. They were nice and could lift more than I can ever dream of lifting. They were carrying three boxes at a time. Also, we have a 150-lb dining room table. Seriously - it's that heavy. The leaf is part of the tabletop, hence the extra weight. It took four strong ladies (Amy and me plus two other excellent friends) to carry it into our apartment when we first got it.
Why do I tell you that? Because one mover lifted the entire damn thing onto his back, carried it out the door, down two flights of stairs and about 100 feet out to our truck. I was amazed. He also left a large "I'm -a-big-muscular-guy" mansweat-print on it. It was like art. Art that I quickly wiped off, but still. The whole experience reminded me how puny I am.
And our cat Tuesday is now adjusting to life with hardwood floors. She's been a carpet cat for most of her life so she's used to natural traction being all around. Needless to say her learning experiences with hardwood have been entertaining. She slides everywhere while running (think Scooby-Do when he starts running somewhere and doesn't move for a few seconds). She also makes quite the racket when she goes down the stairs.
Plus, the first day we moved in she tried jumping up on our bed, but quickly lost her footing on the hardwood. That sent her jumping facefirst into the side of the mattress. Being a cat, she promptly played that off like she meant to faceplant into the mattress. She acted like she was just rubbing her face against the mattress, and haha weren't we silly to even think that she just made a mistake!
Oh what else. I can't think of much because I've inhaled too many cardboard box fumes. I'll update more later!
That title is from a spam email subject line I received today. Too good to not share with everyone.
Anywhore, sorry for the blog slacking. I'm not dead, or trapped under a pile of boxes, or running from the law in some foreign country.
We are now officially living in our new home, having moved all our crap last Wednesday. Our floors are done and the painting is all done except for the window frames and baseboards. That's not too hard to do even as we're unpacking.
So the house is full of boxes and unpacking has been progressing slowly. I'm enjoying the new commute and having a porch and most of the home ownership process. There are other parts I hate, but meh - it's our first home. Not everything's gonna be all puppies and rainbows. And if it was, those puppies would be leaking and the sealant around the rainbow would be coming loose and we'd have to figure out how to fix it ourselves.
Since I last updated some fun stuff has happened, too. For example, we have a neighbor that I call "Assface." He earned that name becuase he's very mean and always angry. When we first showed up to our house a few weeks back to start on some renovations, he came right up to Amy in our backyard and starting harping on us about the rat problem in the back alley. Like it was our fault the previous owners of our home were douchebags who kept their lawnmower covered and down by the basement door over top a drain with no grate. Anyway, the rats had decided that was a fun place to make home.
So Assface acted like it was our fault. No "welcome to the neighborhood" or "hey, I'm so-and-so and welcome" - just a "WE'VE GOT RATS AND THEY'RE ALL COMING FROM YOUR HOUSE! RARGGH!"
We brushed him off because we were already planning to clean out the basement door area.
Anyway, he further endeared himself to us several weeks later when we heard him yelling obscenities back and in forth with his wife in their house and in their backyard. Because these are all rowhomes we live in - his backyard is about 20 feet from ours. He's a real nice guy. But the best part happened over father's day weekend.
My parents were in town helping out with some new house stuff. Mom and I left to go run an errand, leaving dad in the backyard with a saw cutting some quarter-round moulding. He hears Assface inside his house yelling obscenities, threatening someone. So dad gets worried that he may be about to hear domestic violence happen. But then Assface comes outside and he's actually threatening someone via his cell phone. The best line was this, though:
"I WILL CUT YOUR M*THERF*CKING HEAD OFF WITH A SAW!!"
Then to make it even better, he goes, "HELLO?!? HELLO?! SONUVABITCH HUNG UP ON ME!" and stormed back into his house.
And so threatening to cut someone's head off with a saw became our family catchphrase for the weekend. When dad forgot to wear his hat out back while slicing drywall, I brought it out to him and told him to put it on. He grumbled and so I said, "DAD, I WILL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A SAW IF YOU DON'T PUT THIS HAT ON!!"
He put it on while laughing hysterically.
And so Assface is the fun, angry and ever-so-creative neighbor that I will avoid like the plague. I've told some friends, though, that I'm tempted to make him some cookies in order to introduce ourselves to him, but to add an Assface touch to them: Offer them to him in a swearword-laden greeting.
"HELLO, DEAR F*CKING NEIGHBOR!! WE F*CKING MADE SOME F*CKING COOKIES FOR YOU, YOU GIANT ASSHOLE! WE'RE SO F*CKING EXCITED TO BE LIVING IN THIS STUPID ASS NEIGHBORHOOD AND WE HOPE TO F*CKING GET TO F*CKING KNOW YOU F*CKING BETTER! RETURN THIS F*CKING TUPPERWARE TO US OR WE'LL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A MOTHERF*CKING SAW!"
Too much? Perhaps. We just want to fit in, though.
Now that I have the swearing out of the way, I want to extend a giant thanks to all those folks who read this blog and also helped us out in the past few weeks with carpet-tearing, painting, etc... I'm looking your way, Dawn, Darren and Amber. I don't think anyone else who helped reads this blog.
Amber gets an extra special prize because she's crazy and loving enough to frickin' (sorry, still have Assface syndrome right now) FLY here from Chicago to help me paint. Seriously. She flew here two weekends ago just because I told her I was on my own that weekend and had to paint the whole place. So Amber is awesome. I already knew that, of course, but this just cemented it even more.
Any other funny stories? A few, yes! During our official move last Wednesday, we had these great moving guys lend a hand. They were nice and could lift more than I can ever dream of lifting. They were carrying three boxes at a time. Also, we have a 150-lb dining room table. Seriously - it's that heavy. The leaf is part of the tabletop, hence the extra weight. It took four strong ladies (Amy and me plus two other excellent friends) to carry it into our apartment when we first got it.
Why do I tell you that? Because one mover lifted the entire damn thing onto his back, carried it out the door, down two flights of stairs and about 100 feet out to our truck. I was amazed. He also left a large "I'm -a-big-muscular-guy" mansweat-print on it. It was like art. Art that I quickly wiped off, but still. The whole experience reminded me how puny I am.
And our cat Tuesday is now adjusting to life with hardwood floors. She's been a carpet cat for most of her life so she's used to natural traction being all around. Needless to say her learning experiences with hardwood have been entertaining. She slides everywhere while running (think Scooby-Do when he starts running somewhere and doesn't move for a few seconds). She also makes quite the racket when she goes down the stairs.
Plus, the first day we moved in she tried jumping up on our bed, but quickly lost her footing on the hardwood. That sent her jumping facefirst into the side of the mattress. Being a cat, she promptly played that off like she meant to faceplant into the mattress. She acted like she was just rubbing her face against the mattress, and haha weren't we silly to even think that she just made a mistake!
Oh what else. I can't think of much because I've inhaled too many cardboard box fumes. I'll update more later!
posted by H at
10:01 AM
5 Comments:
Whee! And don't forget not to hang your arm out the car (or house?) windows, lest Assface chop it off for your watch.
I'm not so saintly. Sure, I flew in to paint, but I also made out with Bill Clinton while I was there, so, you know, even-steven I think.
:-)
errrr.....cardboard box fumes? Shouldn't you be more worried about say, paint fumes?
They will chop your hand off for that swatch watch!
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