The Vivarin Essay
As referred to in the previous post, I now give you what I write when on Vivarin. Again, it was freshman year, I was 18 - it made me crazy.
The Vivarin Essay:
"Hi, I'm really hyper, but I shouldn't be because I took the fucking vivarin over 5 hours ago and it should've worn off an hour ago but it's just kicking in and this is a really long run-on sentence that would make English teachers cry and want to kill themselves. I think this is going to be one of those stream of conciousness writings that we learned about all through high school English class. I always wanted to write a really cool one. So here we go. This is what is going on in a very hyper person's head as she types.
Okay, so first I was trying to go to bed early tonight, but nooooooo this stupid vivarin said, "hey, maybe i'll wait 5 FRICKIN' HOURS TO START SO THAT WHENEVER SHE TRIES TO GO TO SLEEP SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO." HEY CAPS LOCK IS REALLY COOL. IT LOOKS LIKE I'M REALLY ANGRY WHEN I'M WRITING BUT I'M REALLY NOT. OKAY YES I AM. IF I SAW A LARGE BOTTLE OF VIVARIN WALKING DOWN THE STREET I WOULD KICK ITS ASS INTO NEXT WEEK. NO, I'D WAIT TILL IT TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT AFTER A REALLY ROUGH DAY AND THEN BREAK INTO ITS ROOM AND START SCREAMING AND YELLING COMPLETELY RANDOM THINGS THAT MAKE NO SENSE LIKE, "TOAST, CHEESE, SANITARY NAPKINS, BUTTER, MAD COWS, CHICKEN, IT'S SNOWING I'M CAREFREE, FUCK ME!!"
Ok, enough for the angry caps lock. What am I thinking now? I'm thinking why the hell did I ever like the group color me badd. i mean, i'm listening to their first CD right now and wondering, "What the hell was i thinking liking a group that has members who resemble george michael, snow, and kenny g?" they have some decent music but they sound pretty crappy too because they think they're all that but they're not.
what now? i don't know. I think I'm typing too fast because there's smoke coming off the keys of the keyboard.
I think it'd be really boring to be an oscillating fan. I mean, can you imagine just looking back and forth over and over and over until you think you'll puke, even though i'm pretty sure fans can't puke. I hope not because that'd be worse than having the shit hit the fan. can you imagine puke hitting the fan? gross, i'm thinking. anyway, I'd actually just like to have someone use the word oscillating in a sentence about me sometime. do you think you could work a word like that into an everyday sentence without people thinking you're a complete moron? try it. go ahead. i'll wait.
ok? I even tried it, but all i could think of is, "gee, i think it'd be fun to just be sitting there in one day in class and just start oscillating, you know?" i think I'd get beat up for saying that. hey, use it as a pickup line. "hey baby, you want to go back and oscillate?" you know, i think our fan is horny then. And who would want to be sitting there oscillating one day trying to do your job and keep the room cool and someone comes along and pulls on this little plastic thingy that sticks out on the top of your head and it stops you from oscillating all together. i mean, should someone else have the right to just stop my oscillating whenever they wanted? what if i wanted to keep oscillating? "Stop trying to control me you damn humans!!" I'd yell. But then whoever stopped my oscillating would probably get really scared because the fan just yelled at them and they'd throw me out the window. i think i'd be scared if my fan yelled back at me one day. Of course, if you take enough vivarin then anything will talk back to you. The keyboard here just told me to stop molesting it. I just threw my head back and laughed and said, "no."
Wouldn't it be nasty if that phrase, "I threw my head back..." was really true? that'd probably really gross someone out if they were sitting behind you and suddenyl your head hit them. How would you apologize for something like that? "I'm sorry Bob (or whoever your head hit, it's your choice), I was throwing my head back to laugh but it went a little farther than I expected..." Would that suffice? It might scare them even more if you were apologizing for beaning them with your head and you hadn't reattached it yet. So you're just standing there with your head in your hands (literally) and your head's apologizing for hitting your friend (or whoever was behind you) with itself. That would scare me.
What now? I don't know. Give me something else to discuss. I'll look around the room for something, hold on. Ok, I found something. Why does the red person on Wheel of Fortune always get to go first? I never understood that. What if blue wanted to go first? I think Pat Sajak has plastic hair. Anyway, back to the red guy going first. I think they should settle who goes first by having all 3 contestants wrestle in applesauce. Why applesauce? I'm not sure, but I know it'd taste good if they shoved your head into it. So at least while you're suffocating you could decide whether or not it's Mott's or some cheap grocery store brand like Kroger's. That and the word applesauce just jumped into my head so I figured it did that for some important reason and that I'd better write it down. But after the contestants wresle, they would hose them off in the nude before everyone. I don't know why I just wrote that. Oh yeah, because I had gone for an entire page and not used the word nude or naked yet.
I'll bet you're wondering how I got the wheel of fortunate idea from just looking around the room. So am I. I saw the pencil sharpener and said, "hey, wheel of fortune can just suck my white ass." At least I hope my ass is white. I never really stare at it, you know because if i could then that would mea I could turn my entire head around. And if i could turn my entire head around then I wouldn't stare at my ass. I would spend my time scaring the hell out of the people walking behind me. Can you imagine just walking behind someone and suddenly their head turned around and said something like, "Oh don't mind me, I've just always wanted to see what my ass looked like while I was walking." That would freak me out. I'd make the exorcist jealous. Only I wouldn't want to spit pea soup out everywhere. I don't even like that kind of soup. But I suppose if I could turn my head 360 degrees then I would try it at least once at lunchtime just to clear the entire room. I'd be like, "look at me, I'm a sprinkler!" hey, you know, I could be a sprinkler too if I really wanted. I'd just be sitting there in my front yard going, "Fuck Miracle Grow, I can do it myself."
Enough with body parts, geez. I've only been talking about the head, though. There are lots of other fun body parts that could be talked about, too. I think it'd be awesome if I could just take off any body part I wanted to and replace it with another variation of it. You know how those action figures could take off an arm and put on a big missile launcher or robotic claw? that'd be cool if we could do that. "Hey, can someone help me lift this big heavy box?" I'd say, "Hold on, I'll go and put on my hydraulic arm to assist you." If someone took my parking place I could put on my little tikes' tow-away-arm and move their car myself. Don't ask me why I said it'd be a little tikes' arm.
Okay, what elst? you're asking. Let me look again. I think it'd suck to be a wash cloth. I've always thought that.
I've always wanted to ride in a dryer. It might hurt, but man, would that be a thrill ride or what? They ought to have human size dryers right by showers. Then after your shower you could just throw yourself in and dry off at whatever rate you wanted. Maybe tumble dry low is your style. Maybe you like it high, or for delicate. I'd be sure to use a fabric softener sheet, though. Otherwise i might wrinkle. Dyer-caused-premature-aging would suck.
I'm done."
As referred to in the previous post, I now give you what I write when on Vivarin. Again, it was freshman year, I was 18 - it made me crazy.
The Vivarin Essay:
"Hi, I'm really hyper, but I shouldn't be because I took the fucking vivarin over 5 hours ago and it should've worn off an hour ago but it's just kicking in and this is a really long run-on sentence that would make English teachers cry and want to kill themselves. I think this is going to be one of those stream of conciousness writings that we learned about all through high school English class. I always wanted to write a really cool one. So here we go. This is what is going on in a very hyper person's head as she types.
Okay, so first I was trying to go to bed early tonight, but nooooooo this stupid vivarin said, "hey, maybe i'll wait 5 FRICKIN' HOURS TO START SO THAT WHENEVER SHE TRIES TO GO TO SLEEP SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO." HEY CAPS LOCK IS REALLY COOL. IT LOOKS LIKE I'M REALLY ANGRY WHEN I'M WRITING BUT I'M REALLY NOT. OKAY YES I AM. IF I SAW A LARGE BOTTLE OF VIVARIN WALKING DOWN THE STREET I WOULD KICK ITS ASS INTO NEXT WEEK. NO, I'D WAIT TILL IT TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT AFTER A REALLY ROUGH DAY AND THEN BREAK INTO ITS ROOM AND START SCREAMING AND YELLING COMPLETELY RANDOM THINGS THAT MAKE NO SENSE LIKE, "TOAST, CHEESE, SANITARY NAPKINS, BUTTER, MAD COWS, CHICKEN, IT'S SNOWING I'M CAREFREE, FUCK ME!!"
Ok, enough for the angry caps lock. What am I thinking now? I'm thinking why the hell did I ever like the group color me badd. i mean, i'm listening to their first CD right now and wondering, "What the hell was i thinking liking a group that has members who resemble george michael, snow, and kenny g?" they have some decent music but they sound pretty crappy too because they think they're all that but they're not.
what now? i don't know. I think I'm typing too fast because there's smoke coming off the keys of the keyboard.
I think it'd be really boring to be an oscillating fan. I mean, can you imagine just looking back and forth over and over and over until you think you'll puke, even though i'm pretty sure fans can't puke. I hope not because that'd be worse than having the shit hit the fan. can you imagine puke hitting the fan? gross, i'm thinking. anyway, I'd actually just like to have someone use the word oscillating in a sentence about me sometime. do you think you could work a word like that into an everyday sentence without people thinking you're a complete moron? try it. go ahead. i'll wait.
ok? I even tried it, but all i could think of is, "gee, i think it'd be fun to just be sitting there in one day in class and just start oscillating, you know?" i think I'd get beat up for saying that. hey, use it as a pickup line. "hey baby, you want to go back and oscillate?" you know, i think our fan is horny then. And who would want to be sitting there oscillating one day trying to do your job and keep the room cool and someone comes along and pulls on this little plastic thingy that sticks out on the top of your head and it stops you from oscillating all together. i mean, should someone else have the right to just stop my oscillating whenever they wanted? what if i wanted to keep oscillating? "Stop trying to control me you damn humans!!" I'd yell. But then whoever stopped my oscillating would probably get really scared because the fan just yelled at them and they'd throw me out the window. i think i'd be scared if my fan yelled back at me one day. Of course, if you take enough vivarin then anything will talk back to you. The keyboard here just told me to stop molesting it. I just threw my head back and laughed and said, "no."
Wouldn't it be nasty if that phrase, "I threw my head back..." was really true? that'd probably really gross someone out if they were sitting behind you and suddenyl your head hit them. How would you apologize for something like that? "I'm sorry Bob (or whoever your head hit, it's your choice), I was throwing my head back to laugh but it went a little farther than I expected..." Would that suffice? It might scare them even more if you were apologizing for beaning them with your head and you hadn't reattached it yet. So you're just standing there with your head in your hands (literally) and your head's apologizing for hitting your friend (or whoever was behind you) with itself. That would scare me.
What now? I don't know. Give me something else to discuss. I'll look around the room for something, hold on. Ok, I found something. Why does the red person on Wheel of Fortune always get to go first? I never understood that. What if blue wanted to go first? I think Pat Sajak has plastic hair. Anyway, back to the red guy going first. I think they should settle who goes first by having all 3 contestants wrestle in applesauce. Why applesauce? I'm not sure, but I know it'd taste good if they shoved your head into it. So at least while you're suffocating you could decide whether or not it's Mott's or some cheap grocery store brand like Kroger's. That and the word applesauce just jumped into my head so I figured it did that for some important reason and that I'd better write it down. But after the contestants wresle, they would hose them off in the nude before everyone. I don't know why I just wrote that. Oh yeah, because I had gone for an entire page and not used the word nude or naked yet.
I'll bet you're wondering how I got the wheel of fortunate idea from just looking around the room. So am I. I saw the pencil sharpener and said, "hey, wheel of fortune can just suck my white ass." At least I hope my ass is white. I never really stare at it, you know because if i could then that would mea I could turn my entire head around. And if i could turn my entire head around then I wouldn't stare at my ass. I would spend my time scaring the hell out of the people walking behind me. Can you imagine just walking behind someone and suddenly their head turned around and said something like, "Oh don't mind me, I've just always wanted to see what my ass looked like while I was walking." That would freak me out. I'd make the exorcist jealous. Only I wouldn't want to spit pea soup out everywhere. I don't even like that kind of soup. But I suppose if I could turn my head 360 degrees then I would try it at least once at lunchtime just to clear the entire room. I'd be like, "look at me, I'm a sprinkler!" hey, you know, I could be a sprinkler too if I really wanted. I'd just be sitting there in my front yard going, "Fuck Miracle Grow, I can do it myself."
Enough with body parts, geez. I've only been talking about the head, though. There are lots of other fun body parts that could be talked about, too. I think it'd be awesome if I could just take off any body part I wanted to and replace it with another variation of it. You know how those action figures could take off an arm and put on a big missile launcher or robotic claw? that'd be cool if we could do that. "Hey, can someone help me lift this big heavy box?" I'd say, "Hold on, I'll go and put on my hydraulic arm to assist you." If someone took my parking place I could put on my little tikes' tow-away-arm and move their car myself. Don't ask me why I said it'd be a little tikes' arm.
Okay, what elst? you're asking. Let me look again. I think it'd suck to be a wash cloth. I've always thought that.
I've always wanted to ride in a dryer. It might hurt, but man, would that be a thrill ride or what? They ought to have human size dryers right by showers. Then after your shower you could just throw yourself in and dry off at whatever rate you wanted. Maybe tumble dry low is your style. Maybe you like it high, or for delicate. I'd be sure to use a fabric softener sheet, though. Otherwise i might wrinkle. Dyer-caused-premature-aging would suck.
I'm done."
posted by H at
12:16 PM
3 Comments:
Had you been listening to the Smiths, perchance? "Oscillate Wildly" may now have taken on some new meaning.
It depends on whose wash cloth :)
Would your head spinning the 360 mean that you were oscillating? Cause that'd be pretty cool.
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