Hold on, I'm going to put you on speakerphone...

I'm sure speaker phone seemed like a good idea at the time. And actually, it is a good idea. Having a meeting by just passing one phone receiver around amongst 15 people maybe isn't the most economical or efficient way to do things.

My problem is that no one knows how to talk when on speakerphone. No one makes any adjustments for the fact that you must pause in between statements so you can hear each other on the line. At least, no one makes this adjustment until the last five minutes of the meeting. For the first 55 minutes, you get this:

#1: Hi let's talk about the meeting---
#2: Yes but-
#1: and then we'll go over the figures--
#2: What?
#1: Figures, we're going over the figures and then--
#2: Oh yes, the figures.
(whispering in background)
#1: What?
#2: Nothing, go on.
#1: Do you have the figures? I think mine--
#2: No, don't you? What?
#1: You don't have them? Is that what you said?
#2: The figures? I can't hear you. Speak--
#1: Chiggers? Who said anything about chiggers? Please stay on topic--
#2: Oh, the figures. How is that myopic?
#1: --because we have to -- what?
(whispering in background)
#2: Go on.
#1: Did you just drop something? I heard--
#2: Why are you swearing? We didn't do anything.
#1: Please stop.

And so on and so forth. As I'm sitting here typing this, I can hear some of my coworkers and their clients in some other city shouting from the conference room. I think they're discussing something about beards and tapioca.

It's Tuesday

Cats and dogs both hold a special place in my heart. I don't have a preference for either, really, because I grew up with both.

But, seeing as how I only live in an apartment right now and therefore do not have a yard, that helped the wife and I narrow down which creature we would adopt first. It would be a cat.

We looked up our local cat shelters and decided which one looked best to adopt from. We found one that takes some of their cats to the local PetSmart each Sunday to show off so people could adopt them.

Two weeks ago, we wandered into PetSmart and saw the lineup. There were four cats on display. One was very playful, two were sleeping under blankets, and the last one was sitting very regally in its cage. We played with the playful one, a cute tortoise-shell cat with the unfortunate name of "Reese's" -- like she was a gigantic peanut butter cup. We still really liked her. We also liked the regal kitty that seemed to not be phased at all by the tons of dogs running around and barking throughout the PetSmart.

The shelter workers told us we should definitely come see the cats at the shelter - which they called the "Cattery." I laughed. They stared at me. I learned then, do not joke with the cat people. If they have the "talent" to name a cat "Reese's," then they will also have the talent to name a cat shelter the "Cattery."

Reese's actually had a foster mom who was taking care of her until a permanent owner was found. So we went to her place and got to know the cat in a normal, dog-free environment. She was awesome. When the woman greeted us at the door, there was Reese's sitting next to her like she was welcoming us, too. She was not at all afraid of us (the cat, not the woman - the woman was very afraid of us. That's because we were dressed like cats. And that's because we wanted the cat to think we belonged. And that's because Amy and I have this fear of "not belonging").

At that point we were leaning toward getting Reese's (whose name we vowed to change promptly should we get her). We had to fill out an application complete with listing references that they actually called to see if we'd be good cat parents.

But still, the next day, we went to visit the Cattery to see the other cats. They were all fun to play with, but Reese's had already made her best impression, so no other cats could really sway us too much.

So a week ago last Thursday, Reese's came to live with us. Her name is now Tuesday (why, yes, we are gay! How'd you know?), because she's a tad fat and her favorite toy is a set of Mardi Gras beads.

Tuesday is an awesome cat that has your typical cat tendencies. Like me, she is obsessed with the squirrels that come onto our porch to raid the bird feeder. The squirrels seemed scared at first to see both a cat and a human pressed against the sliding glass door yelling at them, but now they taunt us more than ever, knowing that we will never catch them. My wife likens this epic battle of cat & human vs. terrorist squirrels to the Wile E. Coyote vs. the Road Runner battle.

Tuesday has taught me that if you have a cat, you should definitely get one of those covered litter boxes. This is because Tuesday must come from an ancient breed of mining cats. It's like she's digging to China every time she uses the restroom. We come home every day to find a litter thrown all about the bathroom (where her box is) because she's convinced it takes 30 minutes + the bathmat to cover up her business. Yes, we've come home to find the bathmat covering the litter box. I half expect to come home at some point and find her in the restroom with a pick-ax and a headlamp.

And while she's gotten better about her nighttime escapades, at first she was doing many, many things to make sure we knew she was in our bedroom at night. One or more of the following is usually involved:

-Chew on crunchy plant on my night-stand
-Meow randomly and loudly like you're being crushed
-Play with mini-blind cords
-Purr loudly in my ear
-Walk across my stomach in the middle of the night
-Sit at the foot of the bed and stare at me wide-eyed until I wake up creeped out
-Run across the apartment at full speed while wearing wooden clogs, thereby making enough noise to wake the neighbors

And so on and so forth.

So, all of this is supposed to make the cat endearing. And I guess it's worked, as the little ball of fur has become a part of the family. The very odd, twisted family.

Now, off to battle the squirrels.

On Friday I took a quick trip up to New Jersey to cover the flooding. Today, I was glancing through my notes and came across a phrase that's purpose I cannot explain:

"Coliseum + 2 deli pickles"

This has happened in my notes before, but it's never been this entertaining.

Life's Important Choices

Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't support the Democrats, then why should your ketchup?

My favorite part is where this ketchup was "judged as tasting more conservative, with a sweeter, more compassionate taste.”

Mixing it up a bit

Look at me, following the trend of changing blog templates. I'm also working on some new comments, since Haloscan is crap.

So, in any case, please pardon the dust as I re-arrange this site a bit.

Good stories to come...including posts about my new cat.