Too much time on their hands...

I've always thought that some members of the religious "right" are a tad off and well, honestly, a bit crazy with some of their fundamentalism. I think it's sad that entire organizations are formed to fight gay marriage and then they have tons of money poured into them. Aren't there more important things in this world that that money could be going to? How about feeding the hungry? Housing the poor? Tutoring kids? I don't know, maybe ALL OF THE STUFF JESUS TALKED ABOUT?!

But, I can't fault them for being consistent and really believing that being anti-gay marriage is the right way to go. I don't agree with them and wish they'd spend their time and money elsewhere, but they're going to do what they're going to do.

It's just that when I occasionally peruse the "pro-family" websites and find gems like this review of the movie 'Shark Tale' that I really wonder about these folks.

First, go read that article.

Second, how much time do these people have on their hands? To sit through a movie and wonder and then analyze and write up an editorial about a movie's supposed gay undertones -- wow.

Third, it's obvious these folks are terrified of gay people. They can't even go to the movies anymore -- REGULAR MOVIES WITH NO OBVIOUS TIES TO GAYS -- without finding something in it that makes them think about gay people. Come on, it's a friggin' movie about a shark! Becauase he wants to dress up like a dolphin means there's an obvious link encouraging the kids of today to cross-dress?

How many "pro-family" parents are going to freak out next year when their kids ask to be a dolphin for Halloween? "No, son, that means you're a fruit! AAAHHHH!!" Of course, that's assuming that these folks would even let their kids celebrate Halloween in the first place. That's a holiday straight from Satan. And actually, because it involves dressing up, it can now be linked to being gay and encouraging the children of America to be gay. GOD SAVE US!!

Come on, people. How about taking all that spare time you have, American Family Association, and really trying to encourage families -- ALL families -- to stick together and love each other no matter what? I think that's more what 'Shark Tale' was trying to imply anyway.

Anyway, let me help the American Family Association out now by looking around my desk to see what others things I can blame for encouraging me to be gay.

The phone -- Yup, I can use that to call other women, which means I'm a lesbian.

A bag of tortilla chips -- Mmm hmm, that makes me think of dinner, and gays
take each other out to dinner and do other horrible things after that, like watch movies or play softball.

My laptop computer -- Ohmigod, yes! My laptop has gay undertones, I mean, just consider the name of it: LAPTOP. Gays think of laps and tops all the time. DAMN YOU, DELL! YOU MADE ME GAY! Oh, and also, computers allow tomorrow's homosexuals to access naughty websites that will teach them how to be gay. That's two points against laptop computers.

Chapstick -- Well, obviously, only real straight women wear lipstick and not chapstick. So its mere presence -- despite its being pink in color and melon in flavor (obvious girly things) -- makes me a homo.

Mouse -- Lesbians love animals and have, like, 2 million pets. I don't care that this mouse is attached to my computer and not, in fact, squeaky or cheese-loving in nature. It has an animal name, which makes me a big ol' lesbian.

A stack of business cards -- Hello?! These aren't links to fellow business people with whom I will conduct business. It's a list of potential people to hook up with, because gays are insanely promiscuous, and that's why we should keep marriage away from them because then they'd only be with one...person..no, wait...that line of reasoning doesn't work. Hmm, better contact the AFA for some more meaningless rhetoric to spew about promiscuous gays and not letting them get married.

I could go on, but I'll stop. That's enough for the AFA to deal with for now - I mean, that's a lot of work. They now have to run an ad campaign against telephones, tortilla chips, laptop computers (*shudder* that's so against nature!), chaptstick, mice, and business cards.

Good luck, AFA, and Godspeed on your way to insanity.

Sales Call Wars

I'm like a lot of people in that when a telemarketer calls me, I will mess with them. It's never mean, just fun. Oh, wait, there was that one time in college when a telemarketer called and I had my roommate yell, "ARE YOU ON THE PHONE AGAIN, BITCH?!" in the background and then I quickly said I had to get off the call. That was probably kind of mean (and also originally from an SNL skit, very funny).

Oh, and then there was that time when I messed with another credit card telemarketer in college by asking if I could buy drugs with their company's credit card. She said, without missing a beat, "Oh yes, our card is accepted at pharmacies all over the country." To which I responded, "No, I mean illegal drugs. Can I buy crack with this credit card?" She started stumbling over her words and promptly ended the phone call. For a moment I was worried she'd call the fuzz on me, but then I figured she probably just chalked it up to my being an ass and messing with her. Whatever, it was fun and more for the enjoyment of my roommates who were listening to me in the background.

Anyway, we don't get many sales calls at home down here, but we get them ALL the time at my office. I've now gotten my entire office to mess with these people. Today's was the best yet.

It was one of those recorded calls that is silent for a moment when you first pick up. Then, a very friendly and recorded "Jeff" said, "Hi, this is Jeff, I'm calling to tell you that your cable rates are TOO HIGH!"

I immediately pressed "0" so that I could confirm this with an operator. My cable rates are TOO HIGH? I had to know more.

A woman picked up. "Can I tell you more about our great promotional satellite offer?"

I replied quickly. "Are you telling me that my cable rates are TOO HIGH?"

"Oh, ma'am, that's just a promotional offer, please--"

"How do you know my cable rates are TOO HIGH?"

"That's just an offer, we don't--" She was getting more alarmed at this point, so I heightened my paranoia.

"Have you been reading my mail?"

"No, ma'am, of course not -- "

"Is this a government agency? I don't like the government meddling in my business! STOP READING MY MAIL!"

At that point she cut me off to say, "Thanks ma'am, you have a nice night." Then she hung up.

I'd like to give her props for not freaking out at the paranoid dork who was convinced she worked for the government. That's good customer service right there. And plus, now she has another story to share with the folks around the water cooler about the crazy who thought the satellite company was reading her mail.

That's mostly why I mess with telemarketers. They probably know from the beginning that I'm not going to buy whatever they're offering, so why not give them a good story to share with their coworkers?

I also once played the role of a telemarketer when I called my parents' home on April Fool's Day this year. I pretended to be from the local newspaper and was interested in asking them more questions about their neighborhood having formed a coalition against the local airport's effort to expand into their neighborhood. Yes, my parents are neighborhood activists.

Knowing that my parents can't stand the guy who heads up the airport, I decided to use that against them to see how angry I could get them. My mom answered, I started the ploy, and said, "Are you aware that the head of the airport can't stand your organization?"

My mom also didn't miss a beat, saying the guy doesn't care about the community at all and is more interested in money. So I decided to push her further.

"I spoke with the head of the airport earlier today, and he said he can't stand your husband -- Earl, right? -- who heads up the coalition. According to the head of the airport, he thinks your husband is a jerk. What's your response to that?"

My mom was noticeably perplexed. She paused, and then said, "Wow, he said that? That's really unprofessional. Why would he say something like that? I think he's the jerk here." Or something close to that, she basically started losing her cool a little -- which is understandable considering I just told her that the head of the local airport called her husband a jerk. Hey, you attack my family, the family will fight back.

So I again decided to push more just to see how far I could get my mom to believe that I was still a local reporter. "Ok, um, actually, the head of the airport issued a release saying -- and I quote here -- that 'He can't stand the Moyers or their stupid coalition', and -- wow, can't believe he said this, but he also said he'd rather come over and take a dump on their lawn than ever have to speak to or see them again. What's your response to that?"

Mom was catching on now. "Wait -- what? He said what? What the--? Wait, who is this again? What newspaper are you calling from and what's your name?"

So I broke down and told her, amidst the laughter of my not believing I just used the phrase "take a dump on their lawn" in a conversation with my mom. Mom didn't laugh quite as hard, so I thought she was mad. Angry really, I thought she was angry at first. That is, until she asked me to call back later that night and pull the same gag on my dad.

Updates, misc., and so on and so forth

#1 - Today, as I was typing one of those "update on my life" emails to a friend, I wrote the following sentence:,

"That's right, I'm violent. Right now I'm holding a shiv. I am typing while holding a shiv."

And then I wondered, what is the correct spelling of 'shiv'? Wanting to be correct, I googled it, and discovered a lot.

Then, I thought, how nerdy and non-gangsta of me to even wonder how to spell shiv in the first place! I am so not from the streets. Then I thought, where am I from, and why don't those of us from that particular place have a cool phrase like "from the streets?" Would I say I'm from the fields? I'm not really from the 'burbs, or from the city. I like "from the fields." That's right, kids whose parents had tractors and big gardens and such. Represent. Straight outta the township, yo.

Okay, maybe not.

#2 - I'm sore this week because the wife and I have been doing Tae-bo. That's right, Tae-bo. I am fully aware that Tae-bo is, like, so five years ago. But, it's cold outside, which makes going for walks much less fun. Plus, we inherited a bunch of Tae-bo tapes from an old roommate. So, why not use them?

Our favorite is the Tae-bo LIVE! tape where Billy Blanks goes through 40 minutes of exercise while a live workout audiences goes through 40 minutes of pain and awkwardness behind him. Billy Blanks is horrible at explaining how to do the exercises, so the workout audience stumbles about until he shuts up and demonstrates.

I swear one of the workout ladies right behind Billy is totally on crank or speed or crystal meth or whatever the cool slang term is now for the drug that makes you skinny, crazy, and able to move at unbelievably fast speeds while flailing about. I think the camera pans away from her at one point (to focus on a punching and kicking grandma) while crank lady shoots up and jams some pills. It's pretty awesome.

#3 - I am now a college student again. Well, kind of. On Tuesday I signed up for the 'Intro to Meteorology' course for the spring semester at our local community college. I'm pumped about it, because I am a weather geek. I watch the Weather Channel all the time. I have tons of weather books. I look forward to each year's "Farmer's Almanac." I regularly have friends ask me what the weather will be like for the week, knowing full well I will bore them with a brief discussion on where the low and high pressure fronts are in the country and how the jet stream is affecting our current weather pattern. Want more? Let me lull you to sleep while I talk about dry-adiabatic lapse rates and Karman street vortices. Oh yeah.

My wife told me I will definitely be the teacher's pet in this course, and she's right. It'd be nice to have a mentor for all this. I'm trying to decide if this is just a hobby of mine, or something I should pursue professionally. Besides, Amy doesn't think it's romantic when I say we should do more things together -- like measure our local barometric pressure or convert a number from inches of mercury to millibars.

#4 - Did you know that at any point of time you think about it -- we earthlings are traveling around the sun at a rate of 67,000 mph?

#5 - Our cat is doing fine, thanks for asking.

OK, yeah, you got me. Nobody really asked.

But I'll tell you anyway. Tuesday the cat is crazy as ever. She is jumping on the counters again, which meant that Amy and I had to put down our mats covered with two-sided tape again. That's apparently supposed to dissuade a cat from getting on something -- they don't like the sticky feeling on their paws or whatever.

I do enjoy coming home after work each day and checking all the tape mats for signs of a cat vs. masking tape struggle. Tuesday hates us and I think she will eventually get back at us, but not until she can figure out how to use masking tape quietly. I recently discovered her kitty cat "Defeat the Humans" drawing board where she regularly devises plans on how to overthrow her captors. I think my consistent taunting of her lack of thumbs has doomed Amy and I to always look over our shoulders and sleep with one eye open.

When not at her kitty cat drawing board of terror, Tuesday tries to convince us that she's a normal cat by running around, chasing stuff, leaving a large mess of cat litter all over the bathroom, and looking cute and innocent when we find her holding a pair of scissors in her paws.

She has endless amounts of energy (which must really benefit her task of determining how to kill us), and has quickly taught us that buying her toys is useless because she will only play with the packaging. She loves playing soccer with a tennis ball, attacking a paper towel tube, and playing with the stick end of a toy mouse on a stick.

I hope she never figures out how to make a shiv.

amused

I'm sorry, but I find this story hysterical: Actor losing it over Kerry's loss

Move on, D'onofrio, move on! Don't make Gunnery Sgt. Hartman show up and force you to move on!

Stupid terrorists

I have a few words for terrorists, but first, you have to read this:

Abu Hafs Group Says Bush Leads U.S. to 'Hell' -Site

DUBAI (Reuters) - A group claiming links to al Qaeda said the re-election of President Bush would drag America into "hell" and that he would not be able to protect his country from attacks, according to an Internet statement.

The Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades -- whose links to al Qaeda U.S. officials say are unclear -- issued the vague threat of attacks on the United States in a statement dated Nov. 4 and posted on its Web site.

"The coming days will prove that the person you chose will drag you into an unbearable hell and that rallying around this criminal will not bring you the security you seek and won't stop the mujahideen (holy fighters) from reaching you," it said.

The statement was signed by the European division of the group -- which has repeatedly vowed to attack Europe.

It has claimed responsibility for attacks, including bombings in Spain and Turkey, but has not been officially linked to them. It also claimed last year's power cuts in New York that turned out to be caused by a technical failure.

"Although the criminal Bush shed the blood of Muslims in the last four years and despite his massacres in Afghanistan, Palestine and Iraq, we see his stock rising and his people's applause increasing. This proves that Americans support the war against Islam," the latest statement said.

"Re-electing Bush ... will not prevent the mujahideen from attacking strongholds of the biggest infidel," it said. "In the end, the American people will bear the consequences of the policy of their president over the next four years."

-------

You know what, terrorists? You can just suck it. No no, I don't care if that's not ladylike. Suck it. S-U-C-K I-T. That's it, that's my message to terrorists. I'm not a huge fan of George W. Bush, but please -- terrorists, suck it.

If I could email or fax a picture of my arse to you cave-dwelling (yet surprisingly internet-accessible) losers, I would do it. I'm sure the entire country would. Hell, most of the world would. If we could jam your cave's dial-up (probably AOL) access and phone lines by sending you endless pictures of our butts and/or middle fingers,we would.

No, I'm not done, now I'm going to make fun of you. Let's start with a horrible pun using your name. You guys are really "haf-assed" when it comes to terrorism. Look at this paragraph:

"(This terrorist group) has claimed responsibility for attacks, including bombings in Spain and Turkey, but has not been officially linked to them. It also claimed last year's power cuts in New York that turned out to be caused by a technical failure."

You guys can't even get linked to anything. Is it that hard to be linked to something? Sheesh, leave a damn business card laying around somewhere. Maybe leave one of the least favorite guys in your brigade (every office has a least favorite coworker, you can find one) around a bomb site with a big sign saying 'I did it!'

It's like you're just wandering around the world, looking for crap to put your name on. And the power outages? You tried to take responsibility for the power outages? I'm still laughing. Come on, we all know that was Ohio's fault. What, were you standing behind the guy who didn't flip the right switch yelling, "MESS UP! MESS UP!" during a particularly stressful moment of his work day?

I'm not saying I want you guys to be successful, no one wants terrorists to follow through with their plans. Yet come on, your "brigade" is so irrelevant you can't even be linked to anything. Even Al Qaeda can't be tied to you guys. They're probably sitting in their caves shaking their heads at you and muttering, "Those damned bandwagon terrorists!"

Since you're not doing a great job at being terrorists, I'll help you on your way into irrelevance while still maybe helping you get some Americans angry at your "brigade." Try taking responsibility for some of the following, which may be considered "strongholds of the infidel."

-Britney Spears' career
-the Atkins' Diet
-MoveOn.org
-those very popular stupid-looking short-short skirts that resemble lampshades
-Urban Outfitters
-Ashton Kutcher
-the Lifetime channel
-Jared from Subway
-Fox's 'The Swan'

Take responsibility for some of those, and then you'll get noticed. You'll also achieve your goal of terrorizing Americans and having us hate and fear you. I mean, first Ashton Kutcher -- what could be coming next from you guys? Could you be responsible for Ashlee Simpson? Annoying cell phone ring-tones? NO, NO! PLEASE NOT THE FALLOUT BETWEEN JAY-Z AND R.KELLY? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There you go, instant harm, rage, and hatred. So suck it.

Web-order spouses

For those of you looking for a way out of the US -- here's another place to help you find your way into the loving and well-insulated-from-the-northern-cold arms of a Canadian.

Marry an American.

Sigh

Well, I'm a tad down today due to the election's results. I'm not shocked by the results, though. I am glad that Kerry took the noble and respectful way out rather than dragging this out into months of recounts and lawsuits. And to President Bush, I hope he remembers that many people voted for him because they considered him the "lesser of two evils." This is a very divided country.

What saddens me is how resoundingly all the anti-gay marriage amendments passed. I believe American families took a major blow today because of that, because of people wanting to write discrimination into their state constitutions. Equal rights are not special rights.

And it's one thing to say "no gay marriages" or "marriage shall be defined as the union of one man and one woman" -- but it is an entirely different thing to go after all civil contracts between couples. It is mean-spirited, to say the least.

While it depresses me, I'm not one of those whiny folks who will dwell on the loss. I'm staying right here to be a thorn in the side of the bigots. I may be sad for a day, but I'm not down for the count. Neither is the gay rights movement. We will keep fighting, and the people fighting to keep equal rights away from gays will lose.

And for you all you whiny liberals and Democrats who are moaning on and on about how you're just going to move to Canada now, do it. We don't want you here if you're not willing to take a look at the Democratic party and liberal ideals and figure out what the hell is wrong with the Democrats. Maybe instead of whining about Nader or the Greens and how they are stealing votes you should take a look at why voters are running from the Democratic party in droves. Stop blaming others and look at yourselves. Oh, be aware, apparently the line to get into Canada is kind of long.

To the Republicans, I urge you to remember your true conservative ideals. Whatever happened to smaller government and smaller deficits and staying the heck out of people's bedrooms? Hold your leaders accountable. To the right-wing fundamentalist "Christian" commandos, try to remember that little phrase about the separation of church and state. Stop trying to have your religious beliefs made into law.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go home and continue to destroy the sanctity of marriage by having a nice dinner with my wife. Afterwards, we might play Scrabble. That's right, it's straight to Hell with us!

Vote early....and often

Do it, folks. Go vote today.

I did my civic duty this morning before work, and fortunately the line wasn't very long. There were only two political junkies out front waving signs, and they were both Kerry supporters. Around them were loads of signs for all the various politicians running for office. One handed me two info sheets for some folks running for school board, and then said, "You can't go wrong voting for the ladies."

That made me stop for a moment, then I realized that he had in fact said the last name of one of the women -- which sounds very similar to "the ladies." I relaxed -- I hoped he wasn't using some stupid reasoning like "Oh, well, women know education better than men, etc..." to get people to vote for these folks. And he wasn't, so all was well.

Inside, Amy and I checked in, got our voting cards and stood in a short line for the voting computers. I am still surprised at how little proof of identification is required for voting. All I had to do was give my name and address -- that's it. I think there should be at least some form of ID shown to make sure everything's legit, you know?

Then we got a brief lesson in computer voting, and went to it. Very easy -- just slide the card in, follow the directions on the screen, touch the screen next to the folks you want to vote for, and then hit "cast your ballot." Simple enough. But I took my time, relishing in the fact that this is a great country and society because we can voice our opinions about who we want representing us in the government. Sometimes I get very resentful, cynical, and dejected about the state of politics and the government in the US. Yet on voting days, I get kind of nostalgic and patriotic.

I also took a moment to actually consider if I wanted to write someone's name in -- or in this case, type someone's name in. Maybe my dad, or Amy, or even my brother. Then they could say they all got a vote in the 2004 Presidential Election. But, no, I felt I needed to vote for one of the two major candidates.

So, I voted, got my little "I Voted" sticker, and went off to work. Easy, peezy, 1-2-3-zee.

Tonight we're having an election night party, and I'm hoping that this election won't be like the last one in that we have to wait weeks to find out who really won (which some are still debating today). It would be nice to know tomorrow morning when I wake up whether I should be angry or be cautiously hopeful.

In any case, go vote today, people! And if you're in Ohio, please vote against Issue 1.