A story

Because there's been nothing all that interesting on my blog for some time (except for the Yucatan chicken fingers post, of course), and because I have no current humorous stories to tell, I thought I'd share a story from my younger days. And by younger days, I mean when I was a scrappy and youthful 21-year-old.

Shortly after turning 21, I studied abroad for a quarter over in beautiful Edinburgh, Scotland. I had a fantastic time meeting new people, learning new things, seeing new places and more. I also spent a fair amount of time seeing every single pub Edinburgh has to offer. Needless to say, with my lightweight self, I ended up intoxicated more than once.

This story takes place one evening after several hours of pub exploration (aka, drinking). I was walking back to my flat with my roommies. All of us were a tad tipsy. I ended up lagging behind just a tad to swear at my socks because they kept sliding down into my shoes. If this has ever happened to you, you know how irritating it is. When you're drunk, it becomes even more irritating because your socks turn into living beings and therefore are holding a personal grudge against you. So you're wanting to know why they're bothering you and then you become annoyed that they won't answer no matter how many times you yank them back up around your ankles. And thus, I ended up using some colorful phrases to let those things know how angry they were making me.

One of my roommies walked back to join me and usher me along. At this point, with an inebriated person's normal attention span of .05 seconds, I forgot about my socks and noticed a giant billboard on the top of a nearby building. It was for the invention of the times: The Wonderbra. I scoffed and pointed to the sign for my roommate. Looking at the sign, I yelled,

"Wonderbra - yeah, I WONDER if they're real!"

Before getting a chance to start giggling uncontrollably at my oh-so-humorous quip, I looked in front of me. Standing there were two women, one of whom looked very angry. I think it might have been because she was, um, well-endowed in the chestral region and thought I had just yelled the aforementioned phrase at her - especially the latter part.

Naturally, I froze right there - no movement or talking. I don't know if my alcohol-soaked mind flashed back to the movie Jurassic Park and became confused, wondering if it was a tyrannosaurus or a human that would be unable to locate me if I did not move. My roommie took the same position - no movement. We were frozen in time before a dinosaur, hoping to not get eaten.

After what seemed like an eternity, the woman huffed and kept walking, and it was only then that I was able to sputter out, "Um, honestly, I was pointing at that billboard and not you...aoifghsoivhowirvh" I mumbled and trailed off. She didn't look back.

That's probably a good thing, as I'm sure I'd already moved back to the battle with my socks. I do know that my roommies wouldn't let me lag behind after that escapade.

Thanks for...

I would like to take a moment to thank the Cincinnati Bengals for embarrassing an entire city and legion of fans yesterday.

Thanks for reminding us how you guys have played for the last 15 years.

Now, wake up and keep a hold on that first place slot!

Also, Steelers fans, seriously - no one likes a sore winner. Would it hurt you to have a little more class about winning? I mean, you still have a worse record than we do right now.

Hurricane weary?

Is it a sign of hurricane fatigue that when I saw the CNN headline "Hurricane Wilma batters Yucatan Peninsula" I thought of a large woman actually hand-battering the Yucatan because it looks like a giant chicken finger?

Look at it, tell me the Yucatan is not shaped like a delicious chicken finger.

Mmm, chicken fingers....

Don't pee on my shoe and tell me homos can't have equal rights

Judge Judy is a firecracker of a lady. I usually enjoy her TV show because she lays into the idiots and takes the over-confident down a few pegs. And then in my email today I get this quote:

"Who is it hurting? You know, my grandmother used to say who is it hurting? So, I ask you, Larry, if you have two adults and they happen to both be of the same sex and they love each other and they want to set up a home with each other they have as much of a shot as heterosexual couples do....It doesn't impact on my life. Why is there such a big fuss about it? Why are people so invested in it? I just don't get the negativity. I don't get it."
---JUDGE JUDY, speaking on Larry King Live

Rock on, Judge Judy. Preach it. And also, make up another one of your funny sayings - but make it specifically for gay rights.

Here are some of your old quotes that you can choose from.

Update

Sorry to leave you folks with a perverted Darth Vader photo for so long. I was sent to New Hampshire for two days to cover flooding and so I had no time to bump Darth's naughtiness down with a new post.

Upon reaching New Hampshire early Thursday morning I was reminded of several things about New England - the most important being : Holy ass crap damn - it's cold up there. I don't know how I put up with living in Boston for 3.5 years without stabbing someone during the colder months. Actually, I was probably too frozen to make a stabbing attempt and instead used that inner rage to warm myself.

In any case, I forget how early it gets cold up there. I had planned for it, but still.

For those of you keeping up with Heather's Rental Car Tests, you'll enjoy this one. For once I was given a car that I've never tried before.

The Chevy Aveo - or as I like to call it: The Chevy Eyesore. Seriously, folks - this is one of the ugliest cars I have ever seen. It's the first time I've been embarrassed to be seen in a certain car. Look at it. Fortunately mine did not have a spoiler. Come on folks, why do any cars that do not race at speeds of 200mph need a spoiler? This little tin can was in no danger of leaving the road due to high speeds plus wind resistance.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, the Aveo they gave me was cherry red. Cars should not be allowed to be painted that color unless they can go over 100mph. So there's me driving a cherry red eyesore. I felt like I should apologize every time I got out of it, like I had to tell folks it was a rental and that I would never buy such a car.

But the little car held its own. Considering it rained the whole time I was up there and I was on windy country roads in the middle of nowhere the entire visit, it handled itself well. I drove on a true country road while up there. The road was wide enough for one car, unpaved and therefore all muddy because it had rained up there for days on end, had huge potholes and washed out areas from the rain, and had a lovely cliff on one side of it. It looked a little like this. Okay, not that bad, but it was scary at times knowing that if I slid off the road or got stuck, there was no one around to help out.

So, Chevy Aveo, you get an F- for looks, but an B for handling. It wasn't too uncomfortable inside, either. Well, ego uncomfortable - but not physical discomfort.

Hey Darth...um, what's up?

Ebay sent me some spam email this morning, and it included this photo - at which I giggled for several minutes because I'm immature.

The First...

My boss and I were just having an interesting conversation about "the first bite/drink" of certain things. For example, when you open a new jar of peanut butter and get that first swipe of peanut butter out of it with a knife. My contribution was the first sip out of a just-opened bottle of beer.

And now we're trying to think of other "firsts" that are awesome.

Here are some more:
-First bite of a Pizza Hut pizza
-First chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven

Add your own in the comments.

Car

I forgot to mention this in my last post. For those of you keeping track of Heather's Rental Car Tests, I was driving a Ford Focus ZX-something down in Mississippi. It was a newer Ford Focus than the other ones I've driven, and Ford has gotten off their lazy asses and made a few improvements to it since the older models I drove last time. For one thing, they finally put an console in between the front two seats, which is nice because now you have somewhere to rest your right elbow during a long drive.

Which brings me to another non-fixed fault - at least in this Focus. There is no way to adjust the steering wheel. Like the other ones I've driven, this means that I have to scoot the seat up really far to be comfortable arm-wise - but then my legs are jammed up underneath the dashboard. It's not comfortable to drive.

One plus - this one had a little more kick to it, which came in handy when I had to pass slow trucks on those backwoods southern one-lane roads.

Also, it can take a speed bump at about 20mph. But this is better: in this particular Ford Focus, one can almost hit a buzzard at 65mph. The large front windshield gives one a nice view of the buzzard's feathery butt as he stupidly tries his best to out-run you in the same direction and then decides last minute to turn left.

So, my final grades for the new Ford Focus:

pick-up - B+
speed bumps - B+
comfort - D
ability to hit a buzzard at high speeds - B for a close call (A's are handed out only if I actually hit the buzzard)

Home

I got back Thursday night from my trip to the South for hurricane coverage. Because I had to stay in Florida, I ended up driving more than 1,300 miles in four days. Eesh. So, yeah, I'm little tired of driving.

The trip was eye-opening, the destruction was like nothing I have ever seen. It was certainly worse than what I saw when I went into Florida right after Hurricane Charley last year.

I saw good things and horrible things. What people need is the public to stay involved in the recovery for years - not days, weeks, or just months. Stay involved, volunteer, send money.

More later.