Move Update

Okay, I'm not quite to the point of moving that I described earlier - where I'd stuff everything into one box and yell, "I DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS CRAP!!" But we're getting close.

Also, doing home renovations is teaching me quickly that you may have a set number of projects in your head, but as you do them you'll discover at least 34 other ones that should be done sometime soon.

In the good news department, the worse-for-wear-looking weed wacker left in our basement by the sellers has been found to work! It's the small things, really. A friend and I took it out on Saturday, plugged it in and cheered when it roared (okay, whirred is more like it) to life. Free weed wacker! Woo!

Also, last Friday was the day when we put on the final coat of polyurathane. I'll warn you now, doing your own home renovations brings out joy and violence to the do-ers. It's the joy and pride when you realize you've completed a challenging project and it looks great. It's the violence that will appear when you realize what you'd do to someone who in any way messes it up. This past week I've told about 10 people that should anyone ever scratch our newly refinished floors - they will promptly be stabbed with a butter knife. I don't know why my friends back slowly out of the room whenever I mention that. I like to think it's because of respect.

Up next: painting.

*Sigh*

And here we go again.

I'm sorry

Dear America--

Hi, what's up? Look, I'm going to get serious right off. No small talk.

I'm really sorry. I mean, seriously - I apologize. I had no idea the date August 31, 2002, would have such an impact! Here I thought my marriage to a chick (I'm a chick, too, - eew, gross! I know!) wouldn't be that big a deal to everyone else. Boy, was I wrong.

So, my partner Amy and I would like to apologize.

To all you folks who are straight and married out there, we're sorry. I'm sorry your marriages have been in shambles since then.

Have you felt an overwhelming feeling of threat since that date? Some sort of dark cloud hanging over you? Yeah, that would be us. Dude, we're so sorry. Had I known that we'd start the US on its downfall into the dark pits of hell on that day when I was just enjoying some cake and dancing - phew, let me tell ya, I would've called it all off!

Are you feeling depressed? If you have kids, do they act more heathenistic? Do they sometimes not want to go to church? Oh man, they're listening to gangsta rap, too? Britney Spears is your daughter's idol?! Holy crap!! Totally our fault. Sorry!

Does your husband keep leaving dishes in the sink? Does your wife keep trying to talk to you while you're watching the game? Is your husband not finishing up all those projects he has around the house? Is your wife nagging you non-stop?

Dear sweet Jesus, we are horrible. I'm so sorry. I feel like I should send a fruitbasket or a Hallmark card, or something. Maybe a spiral ham?

Do you have that feeling like the dark lord Satan is hanging out in your living room? Evolution is being taught in the schools?! Your lottery numbers aren't coming up, either?

Well crap. Man, I feel so bad about all of this. Here I've been thinking about the government spying on my phone calls, the failed Iraq policy, White House scandals, horrible US energy policy, our failing public schools, immigration issues and just enjoying my marriage to an amazing woman - and ignoring all the bad things happening to all you fine folks!

Please forgive Amy and me. We are obviously selfish and focusing on all the wrong issues.

Sincerely,
H

Post-Script

Covered in dust

Alright, sure - I didn't give you an update on my camping weekend. That's because we finally gained access to our new house last Wednesday and thus a flurry of carpet-tearing and hardwood floor sanding ensued. I'm still finding sawdust on myself despite numerous showers.

And let me tell you something. If you're my mom or dad, please cover your eyes and don't read this (although my mom may feel the same since she helped):

F*ck purple carpet. F*ck all carpet, for all I care. If I never rip carpet out of a home ever again, my life will be a wonderful existence full of puppies and rainbows and kittens wrapped in diamond shawls. To the previous owners of our home: What the f*ck were you thinking? No, seriously. WTF? You are crazy.

Beyond that, I'm just fine. I'm sore in places I never knew had muscles, but such is home improvement, right? Also, if you'd like to earn some money, go buy some stock in Home Depot right now. Do it. I'm sure we pushed up their price this weekend, but we'll make it go further. So go buy some.

Soon I will have the entire Home Depot layout memorized. Soon I'll know all their associates by name. Soon they'll greet my wife and I by name each time we enter.

Otherwise, I'm fine. I'm glad we're doing this work ourselves (and with the help of our awesome amazing friends who don't mind doing this stuff with us). Also, I frickin' mowed my own lawn on Saturday. I mowed my own lawn. With a lawnmower that I put together. Also, I chiseled some concrete to fit in a drain grate. Did I mention that I mowed my own lawn. Because I did. I mowed it.

Totally frickin' awesome.