Stupid stupid stupid

There's so much crap going on in the world right now (recent detainee rights bill, watching a house down the street from us burn up two nights ago, etc....) that I need to laugh at something frivolous. Please humor me.

If any of you see Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas - could you please punch her for me?

Seriously, that "London Bridge" song has to be one of the stupidest songs I've ever heard.

Its stupidity sparked a conversation the other day about how you can make any phrase into sexual innuendo. The lyrics to London Bridge are fairly easy to figure out as far as what she's talking about, but still - who the hell calls it that?

Fergie's song reminded me of the Ludacris rap during Missy Elliott's "Minute Man" song from a few years back where he goes off on this long basic car maintenance sexual innuendo. (I've taken out the non-car sections)

"It's Ludacris the maintenance man....get your oil changed, I check fluids and transmission....Ludacris balance and rotate all tires."

Ooh, baby, that's romantic. Please tell me you're going to rotate my tires. Can you check the alignment while you're at it? Also, I seem to have a chip in my windshield, can you take care of that? Oh, and you'll also vacuum my floor mats, too? HOLY CRAP, YOU SEX GOD.

So let's make up some more hysterical innuendo. That's right, I'm taking this blog entry (already have, actually) to inappropriate land, but that's all based on how you read into this crap. You'll notice that the use of italics makes these work even better.

Mine:
-I need to borrow your pen.
-Can someone please get me a glass of water?
-My hat is sweaty from the long jog I just took..
-I really need a haircut because my hair is rapidly becoming mullet-like in nature.

Your turn.

Week of Awesomeness update

Well, I'm working 2 for 2 here now. The Red Sox won a good game vs. the Orioles last Thursday, and then the Bengals trounced the Browns on Sunday. Both games were a blast - especially Sunday's.

Major thanks to my brother for the awesome belated birthday gift. As a Browns fan, he had to sit through endless taunting (at least it was mostly friendly) from Bengals fans. You know it's bad when you're being taunted by Bengals fans.

Anyway, he hung in there and at least got to cheer a few times - although a few of those times were directed at some of the bizarre fans sitting around us. Many were drunk and crazy. Most were just wearing hilarious fan outfits.

We saw a pregnant Browns fan who had her shirt pulled up and her giant pregnant stomach painted with a Browns helmet. We saw way too many middle-aged men wearing orange and black striped Zubaz pants on....and then there was Darth Vader.

Darth Vader sat a few rows down for us and was an obvious Bengals fan because his Vader helmet had tiger stripes painted on it. The guy also appeared to not have missed many meals during his lifetime, which led to us cruelly nicknaming him "Lard Vader" and imagining him using the force to bring himself another cheeseburger.

Lard Vader enjoyed standing up and stretching his arm out toward the field while wiggling his fingers in some sort of crude "turn your head and cough" motion that apparently was meant to be him using the force.

Anywho, the game was awesome. Next up is another Orioles game on Friday night where I'd actually like for the O's to win. Fat chance, but one can hope.

Bandwagon

Okay, jumping on this trend of doing the Johari Window:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=VelociHeather

Go there to learn what the heck it is, read the directions and then pick out what you think of me. Feel free to remain anonymous if you like. You can link to your own in the comments if you'd like me to comment on your own.

I think it's interesting to compare what you think of yourself with what others think you're like. Fire away!

Thus starts a weekend of awesomeness...

Tonight marks the beginning of my weekend of sporting events - and actually a week of sporting events. If it doesn't keep raining, I'll be at Camden Yards tonight watching the Red Sox play the Orioles. Then I fly back home to Ohio tomorrow, where on Sunday I'll be watching the Bengals vs. Browns in Cincy. And then next Friday it's another Orioles' game.

Woo! I love going to games, and now I get to see two teams I love, the Sox and the Bengals. I grew up loving the Bengals. I grew to love the Red Sox when I lived in Boston. I think they have some comparable traits.

Both have been through insane periods of craptacular play, be it solidly crappy from the start of a season (for more than a decade) or solidly crappy play once in the playoffs. The Sox finally shook it off in 2004 with championship. Now I'm looking your way, Cincinnati Bengals.

Fill in the blank: Yankees _ _ _ _!

My hair is always in a state of disarray in the morning. My bedhead is glorious, but not glorious enough to share it with those people I see on my morning walks. So I always put on a hat - and 99% of the time it's my Red Sox hat. This hadn't garnered me any reaction (it rarely does) until last week.

Walking past a bus stop I noticed a guy I normally see out there waiting each morning. Normally I don't pay much attention to him, except that I do notice that he is usually wearing a blue vest much like Wal-Mart employees wear. Whatever.

Yet last week when I walked past, he decided to make me notice him by angrily muttering, "Go Yankees!" right as I walked past.

Not one to miss this opportunity, and also because I'm well versed in the normal reaction to that phrase, I promptly turned back to look at him (while still walking) and answered with a smile and a, "Yankees suck!" And then I kept on walking, chuckling to myself. I've gotten worse from Yankee fans before (like the drunk fans who tried to pick a fight with me at Camden Yards one time), so this was nothing. He did sound rather angry, but whatever, I'd be angry if I had to wait for a bus every morning at 7 to go work at Wal-Mart, too.

Anyway, I saw him again this morning. This time he was a tad more bold, sort of yelling out a half-angry, half-timid, "Yankees!" as I passed. To which I replied, "Suck!" - along with the same friendly smile.

I don't know what else he expects from me. Maybe I'll wear my Bengals hat tomorrow to really throw him off. He'll probably be a Steelers fan just to continue the trend.

That about covers it...

This "Onion" article is sad, funny and just dead on:

Click here for NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole

Weather-riffic

I woke up excited on Friday because it was raining. But this wasn't just any rain. Jabbing Amy awake, I excitedly asked, "Amy - do you know where this rain is coming from?!"

She stared at me and said, "Tropical Storm Ernesto?"

"YES!"

And then I bounded out of the room for my regular morning walk, excited to be walking in genuine tropical storm rain.

Not that Ernesto did too much to us, but I still enjoyed experiencing a real tropical storm. Ernesto did blow over our patio table and chairs and a plant or two, but that's about it. Pretty cool. I am that much of a nerd. To further prove that nerdiness - my friends Dawn and Darren got me a Weather pop-up book for my birthday and it's one of my favorite gifts.