Thou puking onion-eyed whey-face!

For those of you looking who are tired of your average swear-word-laden insults, please try the Shakespearean Insult Generator. You will laugh.

My favorites include:
-Thou yeasty rough-hewn boar pig!
-Thou tottering tardy-gaited bladder!
-Thou spleeny sheep-biting clotpole!

Gross, but probably also true

Last night was almost like a mini-blog conference. I was at dinner with Amy, Tara, and Eric -- all of their blogs are in the list to the right. We had a number of interesting discussions including, but not limited to, the following:

-Eric's dumb girl friend
-Dating a "talker" (this inspired a wonderful song by Amy called 'I got talker fever,' which can be sung to the tune of 'I got Jungle Fever')
-Tara's life as a government lawyer
-Heather's fear of public restroom toilets
-Creative slang for taking a poo

And much, much more. Yet my favorite brief discussion of the night was the one about which foods you should not eat if you are naked. Here's our list so far. I'm sure Amy, Eric, and Tara will let me know if I missed anything. Also, commenters, feel free to add other foods that probably aren't the best things to eat while being naked.

-Pistachios
-Peanuts
-A waffle covered in syrup
-Toast
-Hot wings
-Nachos
-Chili

I know there are many more, so feel free to suggest some.

MLK

Just heard on a local Top 40 radio station on my way to lunch:

"Today is Martin Luther King, Jr., Day - if you don't know the history behind it, it's pretty neat. I'll tell you right after this song..."

*sigh*

Christian Sayings

After the great comment by my favorite brother, I will now try to revamp some of our timeless Christian sayings.

#1 - "When God closes a door, he opens a window -- and then he'll shove you out of it."

You understand, see my previous post.

#2 - "He/She is in a better place now -- either burning in the flaming torrents of Hell, or up hanging with the Big G. Either way, at least s/he's away from your whiney ass, so there's the real proof that God loved him/her. Now, pass the potatoes."

This phrase needed more of an add-on. Why should Christians slack off when telling someone exactly where their loved one may be? Let us Christians be more blunt in our counseling, and in our directions at the family's holiday dinner table.

#3 - "God has someone out there for you. But because you're sitting here complaining to me, that special 'someone' of yours is now hooking up with some loser in a bar. So come on now, Hot Pants, get out there and find her/him."

Nothing says, "You'll find your someone!" better than threatening the person with the knowledge that their special someone is out there hooking up with the wrong people. Also, wearing hot pants 24/7 can never hinder one's pursuit of their soulmate.

#4 - "Sometimes we just don't understand God's ways, and that's because God's hand-writing is really bad."

It's funny because it's true, folks. Why do you think God either speaks directly to or sends messengers to the people he wants to talk with or give tasks to? It's because he got tired of people giving up on his illegible notes. I can prove it. My crack team of religious archaeologists stumbled upon this previously un-released story about God and Noah:

**Noah woke up one morning to find a package on his front porch. Hoping it was the new issue of 'Really Old People' magazine, he ripped the package open. Inside, he found a letter that looked to be written by a child. All he could make out were the words 'important,' 'cubit,' and 'now.' Thinking it was just a wrongly addressed letter, he threw it away.

Weeks later when Noah wandered into the local library, he ran into God in the home improvement section. God greeted Noah and joked with him, 'Hey, sure hope you brought your umbrella! Haha ha!' Noah was confused. God said, 'Wait - did you get the memo I sent?' Noah got nervous and said the only thing he'd received in the past few weeks was the latest copy of 'Really Old People' - which by the way, had a great expose about the wild exploits of some of Adam and Eve's hottest descendants.

God was noticeably perturbed. He tossed a copy of a ship-building manual from "Better Altars & Gardens" to Noah and said, 'My office. NOW.'**

And anyway, that's when God decided to not send notes that often. I understand that he continues to work on his penmanship and sometimes he'll still sends notes (God is not one to give up easily). So, that's why we don't always understand God's ways.

If you have any more Christian sayings that you think are trivial, please let me know and I'll update them as best I can.

Also, if you're tired of reading all these words, here's a link to a website with a fantastic photo of realtors in action.

Advice

I'm honored when people ask me for advice. Makes me feel wise, or maybe like they just ran out of other people to ask and I was the only one left in the room. In any case, here's some wisdom I recently gave to a friend:

In my experience, when God closes a door, he opens a window.....and then he pushes me out of it and I land in a huge thorny shrubbery three floors below. Naked. But in front of the thorny shrubbery and my bloodied corpse, lies something quite awesome that I didn't expect. Like band-aids. Or a phenomenal career move. There's a message in that. I don't know where, but maybe you'll find it.

Holiday Parties

I just found this email I sent to a friend last year after an office holiday party with my old company. It's too good to not share, because seriously, who has NOT had an office party like this:

"I'm in a good holiday mood today. The office is all relaxed and full of holiday music and food. Last night's party was really fun. I got wasted and insulted the boss, who then punched me, and then Amy jumped on him, and then his wife attacked Amy, then they hit our production manager by accident, who then got really pissed and broke his beer bottle off on the bar and kept trying to stab our senior account executive because he thought she had done it, then her boyfriend got pissed and broke a chair over the production manager's head, but a part of the chair hit our ads services manager, who then went into a rage and flipped the table over. Well, the table landed on one of our sales rep's toes, and he started crying, so his wife bit the senior account executive's boyfriend on the leg. Then someone threw a wine bottle and well, I just don't remember much after that. I just remember waking up this morning in the restaurant dumpster, and for some reason my ass has teeth marks on it. But man, what a party!

How was your evening?"

Kitty kitty meow meow

We took Tuesday the Cat to her first vet appointment (her first appt. since we've had her, anyway) on Saturday. Let me just say, I've never seen a more perfect expression of humiliation - not even on a human face - than the one I saw on her face as she got her temperature taken.

And of course, we immediately tried to make her feel better by giving her a kitty treat after she was poked with a needle and had a thermometer put in a most inappropriate place -- as if to say, "Sorry about the surprise butt probing, here's a small, partially-hydrogenated, somewhat tuna-flavored treat to make you feel better."

Later in the day, we gave her enormous amounts of catnip, hoping that she could just stone herself into forgetting the horrors of the morning vet appointment. She passed out with her head on the catnip toy, drooling, yet I still felt bad. She just went through a horrible event, and we're trying to get her hooked on drugs in response. Why kind of cat parents are we?

Then this morning as I was heading out the door, I told Tuesday, "Hey, kitty, I'm going to the doctor for shots today, too, so it's the same for us humans!"

Then I paused. "Well, it's the same for us, barring that odd thermometer thing. Yeah, um, sorry about that."

She just stared at me with pure, un-a-cat-terated hatred. So I gave her a treat.

Weakling

I pulled a muscle in my neck. I'm not positive how it happened. The only thing I can think of is that it happened while I was throwing around the ol' pigskin with the wife and another friend last Saturday. But my neck didn't start hurting until Monday.

And now here I am on Friday, at work, holding a bag of frozen peas against the back of my head/neck. I believe bags of frozen peas (or corn, if you like) are the best ergonomically designed ice-packs available not just because they adjust to the shape of whatever you're holding it against, but also because you eat them later if you get hungry.

Don't try that with Icy Hot or a Pit Pack.

Next year's Christmas wish list

I'm starting the list early with this.

Because my apartments have been broken into twice in the past and I've had my laptop stolen, that gift is awesome.

Strangest Conversation of the Weekend

Carin: Nothing could ruin a day in Provincetown.
Me: What if someone stabbed you?
Amy: In Provincetown?
Me: Yeah, that'd ruin your day.
Carin: Well, I guess so.
Amy: What if a drag queen stabbed you? A shark could attack you, too.
Carin: A drag queen wouldn't attack you. They're not scary.
Me: What if a drag queen dressed as a shark attacked you?
Amy: What?
Me: You're just wading along having fun, and bam! - a drag queen dressed like a shark comes up behind you and stabs you.
Amy: I think that would make me skittish of drag queens from that point forth then.
Me: You'd be scared of them from then on out?
Amy: Yeah.

-long pause in the conversation-

Me: What if it was a drag queen dressed as a dolphin?

Carin: **dramatic rolling of the eyes**
Amy: How would the drag queen walk in the shark costume?
Carin: Yeah, sharks don't have legs.
Me: The shark costume would have leg holes.
Carin: But would the tail be curved toward the front or the back?
Me: Oh, the front.
Amy: No, it'd have to be curved toward the back, that would make walking easier.
Me: Well that's no fun.