My wife is the best

She is, there's no arguing with that. She's the smartest, most caring, and most beautiful person I know. I'm lucky to have snagged her officially three years ago today, and less officially six years ago in July.

I can't imagine growing older with a better person. Who else would dress up like a 80s televangelist and go to an 80s Prom with me? Who else would happily deal with my love of the Bengals? The list goes on and on.

Happy anniversary, Amy. I love you tons.

Free Willy...Willy? WILLY!!!

My brother and I had a lovely time hanging out this weekend. I took the day off work Friday so we could head down into Washington, DC, to see the WWII Memorial and some other stuff.

What this post is about, though, is the National Aquarium in DC. We hadn't planned on going there, but as we were walking past the U.S. Department of Commerce, I saw a sign and yelled and pointed.

"2pm - Shark Feeding!!!!"

My brother was just as interested as we stopped to read the sign. As it turned out, the National Aquarium fed the sharks at 2pm (with bonus lecture!) on Mondays and Wednesdays. They fed the piranhas at 2pm (with bonus lecture!) on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And then Fridays at 2pm was the alligator feeding (with bonus lecture!). One look at the watch showed us it was 1:45pm.

Eric looked at me. "How 'bout it? Sounds cool to me."

I nodded excitedly and we kept walking toward what we thought would be the door. As it turned out, we had already passed the door. The reason it was hard to find is because the National Aquarium in DC is located in the basement of the U.S. Dept. of Commerce. And it's accessible via one door in one particular corner of the building. We should have taken that as a clue, but the lure of seeing giant alligators rip their lunch apart in front of us was too good to pass up.

We walked through the elusive door and then went through the security process of the metal detector and X-ray machine. Then we walked downstairs through a hallway that looked like someone had painted in the style of a 1970s children's bedroom for a kid who loved fish.

Once into the aquarium ($4 each with a military discount, thanks to Eric and America!), we saw just what we were dealing with.

This aquarium was really run-down. It appeared that they had already invested the $75 grant they received back in 1978 and were long overdue for another $25 to finish off a few of the tanks.

They did have some cool creatures here and there (like the piranha tank), but most of it was in a tank-wall set-up that looked like a glorified mom 'n' pop pet shop. I expected to stumble upon a goldfish tank with a "$.25 each!" sign on it.

Half the tanks were empty and had some sign like "Specimen temporarily removed" on them. The rest of the first were just stuffed into small tanks. The alligators had some space, but they were little guys. No giant alligators here, these were Junior Alligators. That's okay, though, you could still get really close to them. More on that later.

Because we had some time to kill before the alligator buffet began, we wandered the aquarium a little more. One cool critter I got to see close-up was the Spiny Lobster. What a cool, creepy-looking bastard. I watched it skitter around the tank for a while before it approached the glass. It waved its many legs and antennae at me, as if to say, "Please help get me out of this sub-par so-called 'scientific establishment'! I deserve more! The fish in the tank next to me are dead! I'll soon be next! No, please, don't walk away! I'm creepy-looking, but I'm a really nice guy!"

That brings me to the best part (if it can get any better than pretending a Spiny Lobster can talk to you, that is). While the fish in the tank right next to Mr. Rescue Me Lobster weren't dead....it didn't look so good a few tanks down.

The shark tank was decent sized and had a couple Leopard Sharks swimming around. Eric and I watched them for a while, and then I moved down to one end of the tank. Stuck down in the corner -- right up on the glass -- was a shark that looked like it was sleeping. It was smaller than the others, but it was still a leopard shark. The shark's eyes were shut and it was not moving.

I called to Eric. "Hey - this shark is sleeping. I think."

We looked more closely, pressing our faces up against the glass. Eric was not convinced. "Um, its gills aren't moving. I think it's dead."

We watched it for a little while longer, and there was no movement whatsoever. No gill movement, no eye movement, nothing. It was just lodged down in the corner of the tank. We looked at each other. Eric then moved on, but I stayed by the dead shark a little longer. I thought about going for an aquarium worker to see if that thing really was dead, but then it was alligator feeding time. I made my way back toward the alligator pen.

Like my cat, alligators in captivity know when it's time to eat. As soon as the aquarium worker appeared next to the glass to start her talk, the two little juniors actually moved. They had been laying around the tank like dead alligators previously. Anyway, she shows up and they start running and swimming around frantically. When the National Aquarium uses the word "lecture" for its advertising, it uses it loosely. The aquarium worker who gave the talk on Friday started off by asking the many families in attendance what the most dangerous part of an alligator is.

Most everyone yelled out "the tail!"

Are you kidding me? I understand if kids answer that way, they're kids. That's their excuse. Nope, this was adults, too. I don't know if they were trying to wow the speaker with their attempt at a 'cleverly intelligent' answer, but they were way off. Eric and I just stared at each other.

Seriously, if an alligator is coming after you - are you really worried about its tail? I wouldn't be, and that's because I'd be staring at ITS GIANT MOUTH FULL OF GIANT SHARP TEETH.

To her credit, the worker handled the crowd well. Whilst I may have yelled, "You are all morons!", she instead answered that it was the animal's jaws that were the most potent part. She added that in all her years of working with gators, none had ever run at her whipping their tails. I had hoped she would have then quickly pushed some of the idiots into the alligator tank, but she didn't. I'll be she's wanted to do that at some point in her career, though.

Anyway, she continued on with some more information. I had thought we'd be learning some awesome things about alligators, but none of it was really spectacular. She asked the crowd what one should do if they come across an alligator in the wild. I refrained from yelling out, "TAKE CONTROL OF ITS EVIL DANGEROUS DEATH TAIL!!! AAAHHH!!"

The folks had a range of answers, from climbing a tree to grabbing for its jaws (again, if facing an alligator in a wild, do you really want to reach toward its giant mouth full of giant sharp teeth?). Not too many answered with my choice, which is "RUN THE F*CK AWAY!!" I was hoping the speaker had some awesome, little-known way of evading a gator. Instead, she listened to me. She said the best way to deal with an alligator in the wild is to turn around and run away very quickly. Yes, very quickly. Not a slow jog that one might take in the morning, but rather very quickly, like you're being chased by a big fat alligator who will eat you faster than Oprah can clean out a Krispy Kreme store.

She then produced the very old joke of, "And make sure you're at least running faster than the slowest person in your group! Haha!" That's right, kids, make sure you're faster than your friends if you don't want to be gator food.

Thankfully, the alligator 'lecture' quickly ended and we got to move on to the buffet. The speaker entered the gator pen with a buddy, and they stood in the doorway feeding the gators dead things while also fighting them off with sticks and a five-gallon bucket. That part was cool, the gators rushed the door and almost took the bucket off the woman at one point.

Our aquarium trip now complete, Eric and I bid it farewell. Total, we spent about 1/2-hour in the place.

Sorry if I sound so bitter about it. I'm used to the National Aquarium in Baltimore, which costs $20 to get in and is worth every penny. It's huge and amazing, everyone should visit it at some point. So I felt bad that visitors were getting that view of our "national aquarium," some run-down shabby place with dead sharks floating around in it.

In conclusion, yes officers, I've always had that Spiny Lobster as a pet. It's a mere coincidence that the DC aquarium one went missing this weekend.

More
The ones I could not finish Thursday or Friday.

Amber
1- I love your sense of humor. You're also another one of those people that I can not see for ages, yet still pick up where we left off without missing a beat. You're the type of friend that everyone needs.
2- I think of you whenever I hear anyone mention economics, Mini Coopers, the Browns, Cleveland, and Ohio State.
3- Probably one of your witty t-shirts. I don't know, I haven't seen you in years. You could be wearing a toga 24/7 and I wouldn't know.
4- Orange pee. Our relationship is like the Titanic, or like climbing Mt. Everest. Equilibrium!
5- We always have memorable IM conversations. Also, when I came down to visit you at OU over the summer one year, we sat outside of a pizza place and made fun of the ignorant teens driving their "bad ass" cars around the block 40 times that night. And that econoics class we took together.
6- A cat. I don't know, I can just picture you giving me a dirty look like a cat does. And also, apparently you're cuddly at times.
7- Why were you so anxious to leave OU?

Cristina
1- I like that you don't take sh*t from anyone. You have a good sense of humor, too.
2- Noisy trashcans, Nissan 350z's.
3- Your car, haha.
4- Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! You enjoy intimate relations with furniture.
5- Oh man, the "Cristina's Done with Work" party at your place and that game of asshole.
6- Another cat, because of the dirty look thing. Also mysterious in a way.
7- What's your dream job?

Ashley
1- Your sense of humor and also because we can not talks for months yet still pick up where we left off. You're also an amazing friend who cares and listens and makes me laugh.
2- "River Deep, Mountain High"- Celine Dion, the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack, the Lion King, Showgirls, The Asylum of Satan, and much, much more.
3- I don't know, I haven't seen your closet in years.
4- I'm so proud! Look, I don't bounce! I shall call her Chanteece. It's 3am at 5 o'clock, it makes sense if you think about it. Pear bladder lassie. I'm going to Hawaii! Nether regions.
5- There are so many. Let's see, the majority of my freshman year of college. Throwing apples out the window; new year's eve with you, zha, and Amy; senior prom; band camps; trips to Florida; vivarin;
6- Wow, another cat I think. Because you're mysterious at times, crazy (in a good way) at others, fun at other times. I don't know, I don't like the animal question.
7- Why won't you come pursue acting and improv on the East Coast?

Inspired by Kate

Kate has a cool series of questions on her blog that she said I'm allowed to copy.

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie/thing reminds me of you.
3. I'll tell you what item of clothing I'd love to steal from your closet.
4. I will tell you something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.

So,if I've known you for some time and you'd like this done, say so in the comments. I'll even email it to you if you'd rather not have it posted in public (heh heh). Okay, I doubt anything will come up that won't be suitable for publishing on my blog.

Since Kate passed this on to me, I'll do hers first:

1- I like your love of learning new things, your awesome ability to advise me on all things improv and HR, and that I learn something new about you every time we hang out.
2- "We belong to the night" by Pat Benatar because we sang it loudly in your car one evening. Of course, "I touch myself" by the Divinyls because no one can karaoke it like you can. As for movie, probably "Secretary" because you giggle and avert your eyes when you mention it. String theory, anything math-related, forensics.
3- Any one of your 100s of witty phrase t-shirts. Maybe the tomato one because it always makes me laugh (You say tomato, I say f*ck you).
4- The woodchuck hates shrimp chips, baked or not.
5- Tough one, there are so many! Perhaps the entire wait and flight period to Boston last February for our improv road trip. Also the night we watched Mystic Pizza (fights with coat).
6- Aw man, this is a question where most will take the answer the wrong way. Probably a panda bear because people admire their beauty and intelligence, but a Panda will f*ck you up if you mess with it. Seriously, ever insult a panda's family? Don't. Just don't.
7- I agree with you, Kate, I usually ask you what I want to know. But I'll try one. What would make you happiest right now in your life?

**UPDATE** Okay, Now Katy,Dawn, and Amber are on board. I only just had time to do the first two. Amber, yours will be up soon.

Katy
1- I like how smart you are. Seriously, you know all this stuff and yet you're so very down to earth. I also like how we're always on the same wavelength, we can not see each other for years but can still pick up exactly where we left off with no weirdness. Also, you can always make me laugh, especially when you translate foul phrases into other languages for me.
2- Anything Jack Kerouac, Jeff Buckley, "Everybody got their something" by Nikki Costa, "So I married an axe murderer"
3- Hmm, you always have cool sunglasses, so I'd grab some of those. And if you had bought that armadillo purse, I'd steal that.
4- I still have my Jesus knife. Melted Barbie boobs. Burning Ken head.
5- Oh man, the beat poetry in Cuba and Venezuela. Wading out into the Caribbean at night in Cuba. Taking you up to Vermont with me for a college fair. Also, looking for tacky souvenirs in San Antonio.
6- I think it would be a raven because they are a smart bird to me, and mysterious. Plus they're cool and they seem liked they'd be a sarcastic bird as well.
7- Why is your sister's name is so incredibly different from yours?

Dawn
1- I like that you're always open to new things, you're friendly, you're funny, and that you offer lots of accounting and tax advice.
2- The Jungle Book, my 1040 forms, zombie movies (Darren), that Lie Cheat & Steal board game.
3- Your "Taken" t-shirt. And the cat.
4- I promise I will never mess with your laptop because of what you might do to me with a lamp.
5- I really liked the conversation we had during the car ride home from the Wharf Rat last Thursday night, that was very cool.
6- An owl, because of the wisdom and intelligence. Also because you can turn your head all the way around.
7- Am I allowed to ask you about your parents?

Misc.

-Because I love learning, I've signed up for another college class for this fall. Auto mechanics! It's one of those non-credit courses that community colleges offer to the non-students, and I'm pumped about it. 10 weeks of auto repair learnin'. I know the basics about cars, but I've always wanted to know more. I'm also excited about the blog fodder this class may provide.

-The improv troupe I'm in is featured in this month's Baltimore Style magazine! Click here to see a photo of the page. And here is the text:

A perky Alabama girl directs a kung fu epic. Two men, one apparently named Sandra,hang out in a bowling alley passionately arguing about whether Detroit is better than Flint (Michigan, that is.) A janitor teaches a philosophy, and a criminal is interrogated for stealing frog's legs.

You never know what bizarre scenario you'll see at a performance of the Baltimore Improv Group (BIG). And part of the fun is the actors don't know, either.

Founded in January 2004, and comprised of 13 members, including a naval officer, a reporter, an accountant, a psychotherapist, an electrical engineer and two college sophomores, BIG is the most recent addition to Baltimore improv scene. "There has been improv here for a long time, so we're building on the efforts of other people," says Mike Subelsky, founder and president of BIG, citing The Early Monday Morning Show, The Flying Tongues, and Johns Hopkins' student group Buttered Niblets. "Our mission is just to promote the art of improv in Baltimore."

The two troupes within BIG, Few Bricks Shy and Mainstage, perform two different types of improv shows. "Short form," undertaken by Few Bricks Shy, is similar to TV's "Whose Line is It Anyway?" with games, lots of audience participation and many different characters and scenes. Mainstage's "long form" or "improv theater" features longer scenes and isn't necessarily comic. (Although, says me, BIG's artistic director, "our shows still usually end up being really funny.")

Families are more than welcome and BIG rates its shows PG-13. "We don't do 'blue' humor," says me. "But that doesn't mean we don't occasionally touch on a topic that a younger kid shouldn't be sitting around for."

Every show has its share of memorable moments. Subelsky once had to incorporate the line "The Yankees rule!" into a discussion about the Bible, and me recalls crawling into a sink during the "Dishwashing Olympics." As nerve-racking as winging it might seen,, being goofy onstage can actually be a sweet release from everyday pressures.

"The great thing about improv is that just when you're getting stuck, when your mind goes blank, something will come out Like, 'Oh, I'll just get into the sink," says me. "The best stuff will come out when you have nothing in mind." — Anne Howard

Baltimore Improv Group teaches classes year-round. Contact training@bigimprov.org for more details. Few Bricks Shy performs at Christ Lutheran Church, 701 S. Charles St., on Sept 17 and Oct. 22. Mainstage presents its ‘Holiday Spectacular!’ at the church on Dec.3. www.bigimprov.org

Isn't that awesome? Man, we are thrilled to have been featured! As for the magainze photo, well, that wasn't our idea to be posed like that. A little strange and artsy for a bunch of weirdos like us. But whatever, at least we're in the magazine.

And also - what is up with my hair? Why did no one ever tell me my hair looks like that from the side? I'm getting it cut every week from now on. Somedays I wish I could get away with a shaved head, but that'd be weird and who knows how knobby my head is. You know, 'cause of all that brain my skull is trying to hold in. Yes. Giant brain.

-Beware, citizens of Maryland and DC, my brother is coming to town this weekend. Who knows what kind of trouble we'll get into. I doubt he's bringing any fireworks with him, but if you hear any explosions or you see a car driving around with a cup on top of it - it's not us. I swear.

Heather's Trip to FedEx Field

Oh man, the Redskins - Bengals game Friday night was so cool. Photos are here.

First off, Washington Redskins fans are really nice people. I, in fact, had no abuse heaped upon me for being in their stadium for the game. Actually, I had one guy chat with me for about 15 minutes on the shuttle bus over to the stadium about how the Bengals are really getting better. He knew the history of the team much better than I did. I only know things back to the mid-80s. So, he was very cool.

Second of all, the seats were awesome, we were 14 rows up from the end zone. I love being that close to the action, even if it means we can't get a great depth perception view of the plays.

My loving wife joined me for the game, and while she wore no official Bengals paraphernalia, she did wear a shirt with Tigger on it. That's close enough, I suppose. I ended up wearing my Jeff Blake jersey because my Boomer Esiason jersey is huge. Seriously. It looks like a night-gown when I wear it because it's normal NFL player size. And if you've ever met me or seen photos of me, you know I am not at all close to being NFL player size.

Anyway, we almost paid more to get to FedEx Field than for the tickets themselves. They don't make it easy. We had to drive to a Metro stop, pay for parking, pay for a Metro ticket, and then pay for the shuttle bus that took us from the Metro stop to the stadium. Sheesh.

I spent most of my time on the way to the stadium looking for other stray Bengals fans. I saw two on the bus, and we smiled big for each other. As we walked into the stadium and toward our I seats, I saw several more. Yes, we were there. Not many of us, but we were there. I loved the greetings we'd give each other. Either a firm fist to the sky, or a quick "Who Dey!" or just an "Alright, go Bengals!" It was a nice camaraderie.

The game itself was awesome overall because we won. Dissecting the actual game was less than awesome because we did not play that great. Granted, it's preseason, so we were throwing 2nd, 3rd, and 4th string guys into the game. But still, we didn't play that great. Yet we won because the Redskins played worse than we did.

The final score was 24 to 17. Whenever we scored I would stand up and scream, and then second guess the score because the stadium was incredibly quiet. I guess the 25 Bengals fans in attendance were easily drowned out by the enormity of the stadium. In any case, I was not an obnoxious out-of-town fan, nor was I surrounded by an jerkish Redskins fans. That was nice.

There was another Bengals fan close to us, though, who was an ass. I probably should have anticipated it because he was wearing orange and black striped Zooba pants. You know what I'm talking about, those puffy Hammer pants from the 80s. Yeah, those.

Anyway, he started the game quietly enough, but once we started scoring and playing better, he started taunting the Redskins fans around him. Okay, folks, there are numerous reasons this should not have happened, but here's the biggest one pertaining to Cincy fans.

1- Bengals fans have NO reason to talk trash. I am a Bengals fan and believe this. Come on. We're now holding the record for most consecutive seasons without making the playoffs. Sure, we had the 80s, but then we have 14 years of pain and nothingness. We might be on the up and up now, but one can't just ignore the last 14 years of crappy football we've played.

The other reason to not do this is because this isn't good sportmanship. I am fine with good-natured ribbing of other fans as long as they're playing along right back, but cruelly taunting fans is not a good idea.

To their credit, the Redskins fans did not beat him into a pulp, or really even get mad at him. Most smiled and argued back. Only one guy went nuts and started screaming. He rightly argued - or rather, YELLED, - back, "Oh yeah? When was the last time the Bengals made the playoffs? WHEN?!?!" He just kept screaming that over and over again as his friends tried to keep him in his seat. I thought he might leap the five rows down and tackle Mr. Obnoxious Zooba.

In any case, the game was really fun and we won. We won. Sure it's the pre-season, but I'll take a Bengals win whenever I can get it. I think we might even make the playoffs this year.

Also, go check out the photos of the game. If you can name the one piece of memorabilia I photographed that should not exist, you'll win a prize. Amber and Eric are exempt from this competition because I talked to them both about it before I made the purchase. Sorry, guys, but I have to be fair.

Who Dey!

I still heart NYC.

If you had told me a year or more ago that I would be spending this past Tuesday evening in the Polish Consulate in New York City, I don't think I would've believed you. But there I was in the Polish Consulate Tuesday evening for a work-related event.

When I walked in I was met by security and had to get my name checked off a list. Then these two nice guys spoke to me entirely in Polish as they searched my bags. They were smiling and just chatting away with me, apparently unaware that the only thing I can say in Polish is "thank you." So I simply used the universal language of smiling at them while nodding. Who knows what they may have been saying and what I was nodding yes to. Perhaps I told them it was okay to take money from my bag or steal my camera or yes, indeed, I am an unattractive gal and who would ever marry me? Ha ha!

Somehow I'm guessing it was more humane than that. Anyway, they were done quickly and sent me up the "Gone With The Wind" style staircase to the event. Wow, what a consulate. Everything was wrapped in gold, the walls were covered in paintings and chandeliers hung from the ceilings of each room.

I went into the main room and was quickly told to move to the room where the food and drink was so I could mingle. At least that's what I think he said, because again, he was speaking entirely in Polish. Fortunately I met my contacts in the food room and they spoke to me entirely in English.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about everyone speaking entirely in Polish. It makes sense, as technically we were on Polish soil and I'm pretty sure most Polish people speak Polish. They sure did when I was in Poland a few years ago. So why not speak Polish at the Polish Consulate, too?

Anyway, after a bit a choir came in to sing some songs, and then was joined by a children's choir. It all sounded very nice and I smiled and nodded again as the choir director spoke to the audience in Polish. When they laughed, I laughed. Then the children's choir sang what is apparently a common sing-along song in Poland, because everyone sang along except me and my cohorts.

But anyway, it was a lovely evening and made me think I should be more truer to my Polish heritage and maybe learn a little more of the language.

I love New York City. The more often I go, the more I love it. There is always something to do and see. I like going for an early walk because things are happening, but it's not the typical crazy mid-day NYC I often see.

This time I got to take more cabs than I normally do, which is always a blast. Don't ask me why taking my life into my own hands is a blast - perhaps holding on for dear life and sliding around the back seat as the cabbie drives through narrow streets at 400mph is a thrill one should seek out every once in a while.

I also love how you can signal a NYC cab by merely making eye contact. I did this twice while in town and both times it cracked me up. I was walking somewhere and thought, "Hmm, this is longer than I thought it'd be," and then I'd look and find a cabbie just staring at me while pointing at his car. It's like they're telepathic.

And now I'm back again. I'm excited about the NYC trip I'm taking for the Sept. 11 anniversary. For once I'll be able to stay longer than one day and cover more than just sitting through one meeting.

Plus my friend Matt always finds some sort of interesting place for us to go so we stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning.

And there's my rambling about NYC.

I am ready for some football

Earlier this week I was flipping through the channels whilst chatting with Amy. I got to ESPN, and the Football Gods, they did spake....There Was A Game On.

Mid-sentence with Amy I just yelled, "AGH! Football! YES!!!" The game was pre-season and didn't even include any teams I care about - but still.

It's Time.

Hallelujah, football season is back upon us! I did a happy dance on the couch and settled in for the game.

And tonight is an important date of the football season...it is the first pre-season game for the Cincinnati Bengals. That's right, it's time for me to get my hopes up again and pray that they won't be shattered once again like they have been every season for most of my life.

This year I will pray that the Bengals end their record-breaking stint of successfully avoiding the playoffs. Hell, they haven't been above .500 for a total season in years, either. So come on, Marvin, lead us!

WHO DEY!

Love

Nothing says love like being drunk-dialed by two of your best friends at 1:30 in the morning. So, to embarrass them, here are the details.

"A detailed account of my activities between 1:20am and 1:50am on August 11"

is sleeping. She hears the phone ring, but she never answers the phone while she's half-asleep because if it's really important, the person will call back right away.

In the background, hears an oddly distorted message, but can't make it out as the machine is too far away from the bedroom.

Suddenly, cell phone rings. Her stomach drops because that now means someone is dead or something is on fire.

gets up, staggers into the living room, steps on the cat, steps on the cat's sharp toy, and then turns the light on. The cell phone has stopped ringing, so listens to the message on the machine.

The following is a transcript of that message on the home phone number's answering machine:
----------
(loud noise and garbled words), HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, CRAP, SH*T, WHAT? HAHAHAHAHAH aslgijwogijwerovijnoivjhioerjhvboijhweroibhoi!!!!!
*beep*
------------

Now listens to the message on her cell phone's voicemail. The following is a transcript of that message:

------------
(very loud background noise)
Okay . this is Ashley and Amber, for real. We're leaving you a message, we would like to apologize for whatever message is on your phone. HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

And now we are clearly drunk, ahhahahahahahhahahahaha!!!!!!!
laishfolahifsadghiwiouvbhuiweb!!!!!!!!!!

Mindy is someone I know who Amber only met tonight and Mindy is using Amber's (EDITED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT)!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

hahahhaahfgoaihgwoirhgouwerhgvaosifhoaihvoahvoh!!!!!!!!!
*beep*
------------

lovely wife rolls over to ask what's going on after hearing say, "Those f**kers" while laughing.

For the next 20 minutes as tries to go back to sleep, she will just start to doze off and then start giggling uncontrollably at what the hell just happened. The EXPLICIT CONTENT words keep making her crack up.

FIN

He's out - no, safe!!

I know it's totally cliche of me and "my kind," but I love softball. Who cares if it's inspired by my homo-ness or by my general love of sports or by whatever? I love softball.

Since Sunday afternoon I've been sporting an awesome series of scrapers and gashes on my left leg's upper shin, knee, and on the back of my upper thigh. They're all from the same thing - a slide into third base that would only have been more awesome had I actually been safe. Meh. I was running there from first and the outfielder had to make a perfect throw to get me out....and he did. You can usually bank on them not to because I play in a non-competitive league. Oh well, it's not a real fun game unless you're dirty and/or bloody.

Our Sunday game was awesome, especially for a team that consistently loses and solidly holds onto our last place position in our league. We wore our rally caps proudly and won in the bottom of the final inning, 13-12. I pitched a solid, full game. I've had a few crappy pitching games so far this season, so it was nice to actually feel like I was consistently throwing hittable pitches. I also went 2 for 5, which would have been 4 for 5 had two phenomenal plays not been made by their pitcher and left-fielder. They both caught some line drives in dramatic fashion.

But Sunday's close game reminded me how much I love the game.

I've played it since the 7th grade, when I started off on my church's all-female slow-pitch team. What a great place to start, too. We had quite the age range. I was certainly the youngest, but our pitcher was 80-years-old. Seriously. And she was probably in better shape than most of others on our team and in the league. Her name was Wanda and I certainly learned a ton from her. I also learned an amazing amount from the team's coaches, this awesome husband-wife duo.

My skills were pretty low to begin with. I could barely hit the ball and I got frustrated easily. Through the coaches' teaching and with the help of a softball video (seriously, those sports videos work!), I soon became a consistent hitter and regularly batted lead-off because I could usually get on base.

Then I got the nickname based on a switcharoo of my last name - Mover. I was also called "Wheels." I enjoyed quietly talking trash on the bench with my teammates - which I suppose isn't really talking trash because I joke about it and don't really intimidate anyone. Maybe it's more like "talking recyclables." In any case, if I hit a grounder, your infielders better make sure they don't bobble it. If you do, I'm already on first. I'm happy to report that now a decade later, it's the same.

But on that church team, I loved being the youngest and learning from all the other women - all of whom took me under their wing and remained a fantastic support throughout the season.

We were a pretty bad team when it came to actually winning - but at least we had fun, which is what non-competitive leagues are all about, anyway.

I played on an intramural team in college and experienced the feeling of being on a winning team. It's also where I started pitching. Before that, I played second base. Our college team was without a pitcher, so I thought I'd try it out. And it stuck.

Pitching is still fun to an extent because you have quite the control over the game, but I miss playing other positions. This year I've been able to play outfield and first base a few times, both of which afford a view of the game that I enjoy.

In any case, it's a little saddening that the season is quickly coming to an end. There's always next season, though.

You make the call!

It's up to you, gang. Which of the following is funnier:

This video. It made made me almost cry from laughter, thanks PlanetDan! It's also safe for work.

or

This photo. It is safe for work if your job doesn't mind something with no nudity but that is a mildly suggestive gesture.

You make the call!

Weather geeks unite!

This video from National Geographic is the coolest thing ever. If you think tornadoes are fascinating, check out this footage. Watch all three of them, but don't miss the "Direct hit" video. Amazing.

Half-full or half-empty?

Since I'm having a [sarcasm] fantastic [/sarcasm] morning thus far, I thought I'd help add to yours.

Go check out how long you have until you die via the helpful Death Clock.

I'm around til November 10, 2057. I should probably try to make things a little more worthwhile.