Happy Halloween!



I'll post some pictures of me as a dinosaur when I get a second. I'm dressed up as VelociHeather right now.

I work at the front desk in my office, so anyone who comes in today will be greeted by a warm, friendly, green dinosaur.

When Halloween Comes Early...

And by "Halloween," I mean "blood."

This morning I was making myself a yummy turkey sandwich to take to work for lunch. The turkey was in a brand new package. I looked around on the package for an easy-open tab. There wasn't one. So, I decided to use a knife to open said package of turkey.

I, of course, did not search around a bit more for the little knife that was missing from the rack. I just grabbed the huge cerrated bread knife and went to opening. I sliced the package open, and then my finger. Blood ensued. Then the ER.

It wasn't too bad. They gave me the option of stitches or this new durabond stuff that glues the cut back together. I chose the glue.

The doctor who treated me was a trip. He looked and sounded like he was just about to complete a 13 hour overnight shift in the ER. Or he was stoned. One of the two. But whatever, he glued my finger back together and sent me on my way with a band-aid over my super-glued finger.

And now I'm back at work. Typing is a bit more interesting. And I think I'm going to skip that turkey sandwich for lunch.

Science Wednesday

I am a geek. Last night a group of my friends gathered around the TV at 8pm to watch the Nova special on String Theory. I wasn't so enthused about watching a science documentary at first, but the show was really good. I didn't have to go sit in the corner and color pretty pictures while the grown-ups talked about grown-up stuff.

As a gal who's never taken a physics class, I have no idea how to explain what the f string theory is besides saying that it's a new way of looking at what everything is made of. I'm not saying I'm a string theorist, but I find the whole idea so interesting. It could be the link that brings quantum mechanics and general relativity together. Wait! Don't nod off yet! Go read the Nova website and maybe it'll make more sense.

Yesterday I was looking around on the internet trying to find some website to dumb it down enough for me to even remotely understand it. Most of the time I found websites that were so confusing that I couldn't understand the first sentence. I had the clueless blank stare.

But the documentary was good at teaching those of us non-science kids a little of the fundamentals of general relativity and quantum mechanics before diving into the really confusing stuff. I never knew what that stuff was, and now I have a bit more of a clue. And then once it dives into the deeper stuff, you just find yourself going "Whoa" -- not just because it's really involved, but also because it's really deep. Sounds lame, but that's how I describe it.

So if you get a chance to see this string theory special, definitely watch it. I think next Tuesday night is the second part of it. I highly recommend it.

The other installation of Heather's Science Wednesday is this. Cool. I hope it's not cloudy tonight, maybe I can see some auroras. Although I do live in a city, so the light pollution may prevent that. If anyone sees anything, let me know!

So, you have your science topics now. Discuss.

Monday Chuckles

Holy geez, please go here. I couldn't stop giggling. (Safe for work)

Yesterday in my Sunday School class, one of the 2nd graders came over to me while we were working on our art project. He leaned against the table next to me and said,

"I have an extra-large head."

We both laughed about it, and then I told him it wasn't true, but if he really thought it was, then it's because he has a huge brain that just needs more space. He seemed satisfied with that explanation.

Mom

I can admit it, my mom helped make my Halloween costume this year. I had just asked her to help me out with making the hands and feet of my dinosaur costume, and then she called the other day to say she had finished the whole costume! She laughed and said she can't believe I'm 25 and she's still making Halloween costumes for me. Sigh. It's true.

And now a quote from my mom's most recent email about the costume:

"I tried the pants on and your dad just looked at me and said I looked like a raptor that had just had a big meal."

Maybe you just have to know my family.

I love those days when you're in a haze in the morning, and then about halfway through the work day you catch a glance in the mirror of what you're wearing. And it's then that you realize your clothes don't really match at all.

Yeah. Those days are grrreat.

More maze puns than you can shake a stick at

This weekend included a super fun trip with some friends to a gigantic corn maze. Let me get all the dumb puns out of the way before I continue:

-It was an a-MAZE-ing time.
-We had fun at the Corn MAIZE.
-I hope it isn't corny.

And Matt won the pun game with this one:

"I hope the corn maze isn't hard to digest."

Anyway, this super corn maze was awesome. I wasn't sure what to expect, but thought it would still be fun as a different way to spend a Saturday for once.

The Davis MegaMaze was designed by an MIT professor and some other extra smart math guys. It took us almost an hour and a half to get through it. There were bridges and workers stationed all over to give you cryptic hints on how to get through it. Very fun.

I think we did pretty well, and we only used the map once. We did have a postcard of the maze with us, but I didn't look at it until the very end when we were already walking in the direction we figured was the right way to go.

All the employees did a good job of being silly, but not too over-the-top annoying. There was music being played over the corn's loudspeakers. Yeah, you knew corn had ears, but this corn even had speakers. It was pretty funny to be marching around through the rows to "The Hustle" and the "Men in Tights" theme song. Oh, and we even got taunted by some of the workers who watched us pass them three and four times when we got stuck in one part of the maze.

Reminded me of this scene from Monty Python



"No, go away or I will taunt you a second time!"

So, that's that. If anyone has some more corny corn maze puns, I'm all ears. Just don't stalk me, okay?

Blimpy Girl Can't Catch a Break

Sigh. After my last attempt with Alan at Saturn where I offered to do his job for the day in exchange for a blimp ride, I still faced rejection.

Hello,

If it could be that easy... Again, I appreciate your good-nature messages.
Have a great weekend.

Sincerely,

Alan McKenna
Saturn Customer Assistance Center

I should probably stop harassing this poor customer service guy. He might stop being so congenial if I keep emailing him possible ways of getting my ass onto the Saturn LightShip.

Well, next up then, the HP Hood LightShip.

Blimpy Girl Presses On

Here's the most recent response from Saturn about the blimp ride, this one after I asked Mr. Alan McKenna if I washed his car too, would he let me ride the blimp:

Hello,

Thank you for your reply to my e-mail.

Actually, my car could very well use the wash. I appreciate your
enthusiasm, and wish there was more I could do to assist you with a ride in
the Lightship. Hopefully, you'll see it hovering again over Fenway very
soon!

Sincerely,
Alan McKenna
Saturn Customer Assistance Center

Oh no, he's not off the hook yet.

Dear Alan--

What if I come in and do all of your work for a day? I promise I wouldn't slack off or take a really long lunch, or even spend certain parts of the day emailing Customer Service people to see if I can ride in their inflatable advertising promotions.

How about it?

Thanks!
Me

Maybe I can outlast him in this.

Craptacular

Last night when Aaron Boone hit that winning homerun, you could actually hear and feel the collective gasp and sigh go across the entire New England region. Then a deafening silence. The weight went back onto all the life-time Sox fans.

Then came the loudest, most creative swearing I've ever heard.

Blimpy Girl REJECTED!

Denied!

------------------------
Hello,

Thank you for writing to Saturn.

There was a time when owners could come to our corporate offices here in
Spring Hill, Tennessee and take a ride in the Saturn Lightship, but we have
had so many requests that we are unable to honor those requests today.
Also, the Lightship's schedule has become extremely busy this past year,
making it difficult to fulfill rides to our owners.

We appreciate your interest! Please feel free to e-mail us again or call us
at 1-800-553-6000, prompt 3.

Sincerely,
Alan McKenna
Saturn Customer Assistance Center
--------------------------

And so I will try harder. Here's my email back to Alan:

Dear Alan--

Thanks for your quick response.

What if I promise to wash your car, too?

Thanks!
-Me
-----------------------

Maybe that's all Alan McKenna needs to hear.

Blimpy Girl

That's it, I'm on a mission. I have seen the prize and I'm going for it. Yes, you guessed it -- my aim is to nab a ride on a blimp. Only they don't call them blimps anymore, they're called "Light Ships" because they glow.

I've seen both the Saturn lightship and the HP Hood lightship floating around Boston recently, and I'm hooked. They're these silent monitors...I was just walking peacefully down the road the other day, and suddenly there was this shadow over me. I looked up, and there it was:


It was following me down Commonwealth Avenue. I stood transfixed on the stealthy mobile advertisment that glows like a tacky Christmas light at night.

And I wondered....what would it take to get a ride on a lightship?

So I emailed Saturn:

Dear Saturn --
I think your Lightship blimp is the coolest and I see it floating around Boston from time to time.

I was wondering....what does it take to earn a ride in that thing? I would be willing to do many things to catch a ride on it the next time it was in the Boston area. Those things could include one or more of the following:

-I think washing the ENTIRE LightShip would be a tad difficult, but I'm willing to wash the cabin where the pilots (and hopefully me, sometime) sit.
-I would wash the cars of the LightShip flight crew (I'm sure they're all Saturns, right?)
-I would treat all the LightShip flight crew to a movie -- popcorn and snacks included.
-I would wear a goofy Saturn mascot outfit in public for an entire day to tout the amazing fleet of Saturn cars.

I'm sure there are other things I would do, but I can't think of anything else right now. Feel free to send me some ideas if you think of anything!

I look forward to hearing from you about catching a ride on the cool Saturn LightShip.

Thanks!
Me
-----

I will keep you posted on their response. I figure I might get somewhere with them because I own a Saturn, so they know I'm committed to their company.

And if I get nowhere with them, I'll go after the HP Hood lightship. Maybe I should start drinking their milk now so I can prove how committed I am to their company.

The Fan

I think if I was this guy (the one with the Cubs' hat and headphones, with his hand out), I would move out of Chicago right away. And I'd wear a dark beard and sunglasses for the rest of my life.



Those poor Cubs. Oh, and if you don't know the story behind the picture here it is: That dumb fan interfered with Cubs' outfielder Moises Alou, who was trying to catch that foul ball. Alou couldn't catch the ball because of the dumb fan, so the 8th inning went on, and the Marlins ended up routing the Cubs.

I'm sure the rout wasn't entirely the fan's fault, but he certainly didn't help the situation. If I was him, I would still move away quickly and quietly and leave no forwarding address.

What's weirder is that the dumb fan is a Cubs' fan. Why would you interefere with your own team like that?

The Top 100
If you're bored at work today, like me, here's a list to peruse:

It's the 100 Greatest Novels of All Time, according to some guy at the UK's Guardian newspaper.

I've read only five of them, sadly enough. There are about 8 others on the list I've tried reading, like "The Great Gatsby," "1984," "Brave New World," "Catch 22," and others. I own these books and have only tried getting through them once, but couldn't do it. But, I go through reading phases, so I might still be able to get through them yet. I have to be in the right mood to read some books.

Also, I'm shocked to not see any John Steinbeck on there. He's one of my absolute favorite authors because his writing is amazing. I've read seven or eight of his books -- some well-known and others not as popular.

I'm happy "Great Expectations" is not on there. That was a pile of crap. "The Scarlet Letter" made the list, but I sure didn't like that book either. And I think "Catcher in the Rye" should be higher on the list.

So, peruse, pick, agree and/or complain.

Yesterday at church, a now-fifth grader that I taught in Sunday School for the previous two years chatted me up about Halloween. I asked her what she was going to dress up as for the big day. She said, "Elvis."

So jokingly, thinking she wouldn't totally know what I meant by this, I asked her, "Old Elvis or young Elvis?"

She replied, nodding quite knowingly, "Oh, definitely young Elvis."

The List of Smartest States

I live in Massachusetts and I don't know that I agree with this list. Maybe if they just mean "book smart" and not "common sense" smart.

Oh, and I love how there are two #8's on the list. Guess the list was written up in New Mexico.

More Letters

It's that time again: Time to answer some letters from my readers.
----------------------
Dear H,
I've noticed that when I'm on an airplane and it takes off, it goes really fast. I mean, it must be going like Mach 40 or something! But how come all of the passengers don't go flying to the back of the plane because of that intense speed?

Smashed,
Donald

Dear Donald,
You're right, airplanes do go really fast. Reaching back into the knowledge from my time as a super space pilot, I would say airplanes reach speeds up to 40 billion hectacres/second. That's faster than your parent's old Buick, for sure! Haha!

And the reason you and your fellow passengers don't get smashed into the back of the plane from the force of that speed is because of many airplane precautions. Most of these precautions are super-secret (just like the fact that I used to be a super space pilot!), but I managed to get a local pilot really drunk and pull this information out of him.

First, airlines tend to use a lot of duct tape to make sure the seats stay put. And second...well, there isn't a second. That's it. Just rolls and rolls of duct tape. What kind of frickin' super secret is that? That's the last time I waste money on getting a pilot wasted. Hell, I think he was already drunk when we started talking.

Hope that answers your question, Donald!

Love in an air-sickness bag,
H

------------------------
Dear H,
I'm worried about my retirement. I'm already 23 years old and haven't saved any money whatsoever! Can you pass along some investment tips?

Too many empty pockets,
Lucy

Dear Lucy,
Yes, I can.

Have a great day!

your friend,
H

--------------------------
Dear H,
What does "Marzipan" mean? Could you use it in a sentence? Thanks!

your friend,
Zeke

Dear Zeke,
Well, let's break the word down together, shall we? First we have "Mar," which is a planet in our very solar system. A big, red planet that we're not sure had life on it at one point but it does have these cool pyramid structures on it that look like faces, and pictures of those face pyramids were on TV a lot in the early 90s because people thought it meant aliens lived on Mars.

Next, we have "zi." This means the word is obviously French -- French people use that word all the time. I'll give you an example:

"Look aht zi bread, eet ees naht what Ah wahntehd. I wahntehd zi cheese."

So, "zi" is French, and now we have a big, red French planet.

Last is "pan." Reaching back into the knowledge from my time as a super secret film director, I know that means taking a camera and moving it around to look at stuff.

Let's put it all together. Marzipan is a big, red French planet covered in face-shaped pyramids looking around at stuff in our very solar system.
I'll use it in a sentence.

"Hey, would you look at that Marzipan?"

Hope that helps!

your friend,
H
-------------------

Dear H,
I get knocked down, but I get up again, and they're never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again, and they're never gonna keep me down. He takes a whiskey drink, he takes a vodka drink, he takes a lager drink, he takes a cider drink. He sings songs that remind him of the good times, he sings songs that remind him of the better times.

Oh danny boy danny boy danny boy,
Ronaldo

Dear Ronaldo,
Wow, sounds like your friend needs to slow down on the alcohol intake! Haha! But it's good to know that despite having a raging alcoholic for a friend, you still have a very positive outlook on your life. If life kicks you in the teeth, you smile right back, even if there's blood and teeth and gross stuff shooting out all over -- and that's just fantastic.

Rock on!
H
-----------------

That's all for now. But as always, if you have any questions you need help with, toss me an email!

New Comments Thingee

And there we go. I've switched comment hosts to HaloScan. I will try to log back into my document root account once their site is back up to see if I can read any of the old comments people may have made overnight. But, just in case, if you had something super-witty or super-poignant....go type it in again. I'll wait. Seriously. Go ahead.

Darn Comments Thingee

Alright, I think it's time to change my comment section host. I had been using document root, but their website it down a lot, and when they're down, my entire site won't show up. I hate that.

And it sucks because I didn't get to read anyone that may have commented on my last post about gay marriage. Dumb.

But, be patient. Hopefully I can get something else to work.

Thanks!

Gay Marriage

I'm a generally happy person. Sure, I often use this forum to jokingly complain about things -- but it's just that: Joking. It's a source of writing material.

In any case, I don't get sad all that often. There aren't too many things in my life right now that make me sad, so I'm very fortunate.

But something that jolts me out of my little happy life and fills me with a sense of deep sadness is the fight over gay marriage. I read articles like this and suddenly get reminded of that inner sadness I carry around about the fight over gay rights.

I get confused as to why entire Christian organizations devote themselves to defeating gay marriage. A group of people will take all their resources and put them towards keeping equal rights away from another group of people.

Are Amy and I hurting anyone? How is my undying love for her hurting anyone? Why does giving us equal benefits tear people up? Why shouldn't I be allowed to visit her in an emergency room if something happens? Why can't we have inheritance rights? If we're a stable family who wants to raise a kid in our loving home, why can't we do that?

I know people will answer that with "Well, it's a religious question. People see the passages in the Bible, interpret them literally, and then immediately use that to justify their fight against gay rights."

These Christian groups spend millions of dollars getting the American public to follow them, "Believe us! Letting gays have equal rights will destroy family values! Letting gays marry each other is the downfall of our society! Gay marriage? What's next, people wanting to marry their pets?"

That argument about marrying animals kills me -- what the f kind of reasoning and logic is that?

But we don't live in a theocracy, so give me a better argument than the Bible forbids homo activity. How is allowing gay marriage going to destroy the US?

Anyway, aren't there more important and pressing issues these groups should be focusing on? Couldn't those millions of dollars be better spent on helping the poor in local communities, getting kids into supportive situations, etc...?

I know I said in a previous post that it's great if you take a stand for what you believe in. It makes me sad, but sure, if you really don't like gays and don't think they should have any rights, then okay, those are your beliefs. I'm sad that you won't take a chance and look at why you believe that, maybe go meet some gay folks and realize that we're humans too, but okay, those are your beliefs.

The whole issue just makes me profoundly sad, though.

Are my straight friends taking a stand when they hear homophobic remarks around them? Do they take the extra minute or so to contact their legislators about anti-gay legislation? Do they stop to think about some of the stupid things we have to deal with? I have to fill out separate tax filings even though Amy and I got married last August. We have to conciously adjust our job search to make sure we're in areas where we won't get harassed or get the crap beaten out of us for being gay. When I interview for a job, I have to think about how an out person can function in that office, or see if that company offers domestic partnership benefits. The list goes on.

I'm not trying to whine here, I'm trying to tell the truth. I think people forget these things too easily.

I read a good quote on Metafilter a few months back when people were first chatting about that Texas sodomy law being struck down. A reader posted a comment about how the gay rights movement in 20+ years will strike a similar chord as the civil rights movement, where legislators and major public officials will be backpedaling, trying to justify their hatred of gays in speech and legislation of the past.

I want to believe that things will get better for GLBT people, but that Nation article freaks me out.

And that's my rambling rant for today.

The biggest roach ever just crawled by my desk. I freaked. Not that I'm completely scared of them, but because it came out of nowhere. And because I refuse to squish them because of the crunch.

There I am, just innocently typing away at my desk, when Gigantor decides to come out of hiding and go for a walk around the office. I didn't scream, but a yell kinda stumbled out of me,

"Oh, yuck, oh COME on! What the--- why my desk? Man, ewww, no -- I'm not squishing that!"

So then the rest of the office comes running, wondering what I'm yelling about. Then the squeals of the office gals start. I was going to crush it with a garbage can, but then one of the office guys says, "I'll squish it, give me some paper."

And he did! He just grabbed a sheet of office paper and crushed it. Then he says, "I'm from Louisiana, that thing's tiny compared to what we have down there."

He is now the office hero.

Looks like there may have been a religious experience outside my office building this morning.

On the front stoop there is an entire outfit of clothing and a wig.

If you could picture a blank stare on a human, complete with the sound of chirping crickets in the background and that quick "ummmmm......" blink of the eyes --- then you would be picturing me talking to my company's regional system administrator just now on the phone.

All sports, all the time

Wow, what a sports weekend. Saturday I watched college football for most the afternoon. It was very pleasant watching Michigan get spanked by Iowa. Any time Michigan loses it's a good thing.

Then Saturday night we had some friends over and watched that amazing Red Sox game where Trot Nixon hit the winning home run in the 11th inning. All of us danced around and yelled and screamed -- you could hear our whole apartment building doing the same thing.

Sunday we went out to Walden Pond, and then we listened to the game on the radio on our way back. When they won, we honked the horn and yelled and screamed. People in the cars around us were staring and then we yelled out what happened to them, and then they all started honking and cheering.

This city is great to live in when the teams are doing well. I lived up here when the Patriots won the Super Bowl a few years back. That night we could hear people screaming all night. I guess downtown there were people flipping cars over. Heck, it's a great city to live in even when the teams are losing. Boston fans are die-hard fans.

Go Sox!


And one more thing...The Cincinnati Bengals (my favorite football team, I can admit it) lost this week, but they did win last week. They beat the Cleveland Browns, my brother's favorite football team. I hadn't rubbed it in yet, so I thought I'd throw that in there now as well.

Anyone seen that new Gap TV ad (click the first TV spot to see it) where the chick with a long trailing skinny scarf is riding a bike?

Anyone else wish that scarf would trail just where you want it, right into the spokes and flip her off the bike?

You would think Mothers Against Dumbass Bicyclists would be protesting this more.